Leah’s Daughter’s Words











{March 5, 2009}   S.O.S.!!

I’m not even sure what that stands for anymore, lol. But, I think it has to do with needing help… at least sometimes. Anyway! I don’t know what happened. I was doing great. Then I just got so heavy. I need to talk to God. I have to. Because on He knows what’s up and what I need to see. I just have been realizing how in love with Him I have been lately and kinda despising anything/one that might seem like they would be in the way of that. Not in a “I hate your guts way” but a “don’t think you’re getting in front” kinda way. That is good for me, because it shows growth. Anyways… I need to go handle my business. My refuge. I love You!

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{February 28, 2009}   Just… Hurt

No clever titles tonight. I know I didn’t ask for this, but I accepted the offer that would, to my suprise, be the first step to my eventual heartbreak. I didn’t think it would go down like this, especially since you could say I was promised the “moon, stars, etc” which I usually don’t go for… ever. Through all the tears that I am not sure if they were real to the former cheer leaders that now don’t remember their encouragements. It’s hard because I feel alone in this. That everybody understands what happened but they just don’t get it… It’s just me and of course, You Lord that has been here even when I ignored Your counsel. You’ve picked up the pieces and are remolding the woman, but it still hurts. I wish it didn’t. It’s just something about when he goes up to minister that it just seems like a lie. I know that when it comes to that I’m suppose to recieve the Word, not so much the person, but I see him too much. I just can’t bare it. I realized that I fortunately don’t hate him, but I surely don’t like him, strongly rather. Dad, please heal these wounds, these scars, please let me have back that piece of my heart that I gave him. I want it all back and then some. Help me to continually pray for those who crush me.

This song is like the epitome of where I’m at right now, just about every word.

 

It Was You by Emily King

Right Now To The Way We Were
So In Love But Life
Soon Brings Change
Through Ones Eyes
He Cried Tears For Me
But By His Side
I Can No Longer Be

We Used To Talk All Night
Of Different Things, But U,
U Didnt Hear Me Cry
Our Love Is Ending
Somewhere Between The Lies
This Sadness I Could No Longer Hide

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever

That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was You

And So My Love Goodbye
I’ll Miss You So You’ve Though Gone
But Leaves Do Change
As Time Goes On
And Though We Parted In The Ends
For All The Time Spent In Love
I Thank You

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever
That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was…

You Who Never Spoke Your Feelings
So Many Times I Tried To Tell You
That You Were Losing Me
But You Never Tried To Make Things Better
But You Didnt Choose To Seeeee My Pain
Now I’ve Got One Thing Left To Say
It Was You

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever
That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was You

This is almost unreal… God help



{January 26, 2009}   It Would’ve Been Your 20th

Today was my cousin’s birthday. Family went to his grave and I preferred not to. Not only because I have school, but even if I didn’t I more than likely would not have. I realize that he isn’t there, in fact he wasn’t there when we buried him. We burried a body that didn’t have a spirit anymore. My little c0usin was gone the night he breathed his last, not at his funeral. I feel like going to the grave does nothing more than re-create the funeral of crying over what wasn’t there anymore. It benefits us nothing to go back. It only brings sadness. We can reminisce at home. I don’t mean it to be harsh. And I don’t love him any less from when he was alive, but he’s gone. I can’t let him go by going back there. I mean, if anyone, I could understand my aunt possibly wanting to go as his mother, but honestly, regardless of who it is… mother, father, husband, (God-forbid) my own child… I’m not revisiting a grave site… because as far as I am concerned, both biblically and psychologically it doesn’t make sense. The only reason people went back to Jesus’s tomb was to see if He had risen and that He did. I think it is more of an American thing to try to hold onto a connection to someone that can no longer ever again love you back. I mean all we can talk about is who he was, he will never be again. I miss him though. RIP (hopefully) KMJH!



{January 6, 2009}   Family Ties

I had a dream about my mom last night. I don’t remember it all, but I know it was crazy. I wasn’t happy. I’m not happy. I miss her, but I gotta stay away. I just pray nothing happens before she makes a better decision. When it comes to parental support, I have nothing and that crazy because it’s not like they’re sick or far away. They simply aren’t able. That is a difficult reality to accept. I have learned not to treat my parents the way I think they ought to be, but to love them where they are. It’s tough at times.



{January 5, 2009}   Maintaining Godly Standards

I was in very good company today with an old friend that I hadn’t chilled with in a long time. I’m hurtin’ right now about some things, but I am encouraged to still stand and fight therefore. It is helpful to know that I am not alone… ever. Lord, I know You have so much for me, probably more than I think I want. Help me to focus where I need to be and remove myself from places that it simply isn’t time for. I love You more than words can describe. And for that reason… I’m gonna maintain Your standards, for Your ways are higher than my ways and Your thoughts, higher than my thoughts and so on. Kadosh Atah!! (You are holy!) Bravo God! For You are holy! You are great! And You do miracles!

Despite the way I feel and what I think… I got to and I will let go every single day if I have to… I know my worth, if it happens, it has to be done right.

 



{December 18, 2008}   Christmas This Year?

I’ve been trying to avoid this with everything in me. I don’t want to cry, but everytime I “go there” I do. Christmas will never be the same again, not only because I more than likely won’t see my mom, which sucks, but he is gone… forever. I want to go see my aunt, but being in that house is gonna kill me and I don’t want to make her sadder than she probably already is. I have to go though, I don’t want to avoid her. But everytime I think about him, it’s 2am in february and my sister is crying frantically telling me that my little cousin is gone. I just… never had a lost like this. I don’t know if I’m ready for this.

It’s bad enough I have become almost numb to holidays and birthdays because I have been let down so much that I try not to get my hopes up. That has to change though, I don’t want to be a grinch or anything, I need healing from my family’s influence on me. I’ll really try to have “fun” this Christmas, despite him being gone. If only I could bring him back, if only it were me instead of him. But Lord, it’s Your will and I love You anyway. It just hurts so bad…



How do you prepare for a fight you’ve never really tried to win? That’s where I am. As I think about the predicaments that I have put myself in, I almost wish that I used to be a betting woman because the end result was always what my first thought was and I went for it anyway when it came to my heart. I knew I could more than likely get hurt, with a great possibility of that being the case, especially with the types of people I dealt with, but I still went for it anyway with full knowledge of it. You would have thought I liked pain because I never really tried to protect myself, at least not for long.

So here I am now, pressing fighting with all I got for emotional purity because this thing is hitting me right in the face everyday. A battle I wasn’t prepared for. Energy that I didn’t intend to be put into this. The battlefield has been rather gruesome and sometimes it’s hard to tell who’s winning because of the exhaustion. Some days I’m left at… well Lord, what do I do now? Because for the majority of this, I’ve been running to You, because this warfare isn’t something I have any “military” experience with. I didn’t know it could hurt this bad. I didn’t know i would have to press this hard for my thoughts to be elsewhere. I had no idea what I had ultimatley signed myself up for when I didn’t read the rules in this thing.

SO… here I am again… fighting… praying… fighting & praying & studying & seeking counsel & trying to keep things as normal as I can, but then there’s those moments where I admit to myself how bad this really sucks and from time to time the flood gates open and here I am. Dad, I need Your strength, Your counsel, Your words, Your guidance, EVERYTHING! I don’t want to stay here. I want to be free. I just wanna be with You. Help me to walk in my worth and not settle for ANYthing less.

Draw me close to You

Never let me go…

Let me know You are near…

But

What do I do?



{November 26, 2008}   Dream a Dream

Wait for You by Kyla

So, I feel like I’m being punished, maybe even cursed. The one thing I try to put aside and avoid explodes daily. If I don’t want you in my thoughts, you’re in my dreams, and you’re not only in my dreams, but you love me back. It might seem like a good dream to anyone with a crush or an interest, but it is a nightmare when you wake up to an opposite reality. God, why? Why do I have to go through this? Why can’t I just not care and go on with my life? Especially if it’s not gonna happen. I guess I don’t really know that until I know. I guess I feel like this is unfair because he doesn’t have to feel like this because the “ball” is in his court. I just want to do the right thing with the right motives. Lord, help my heart, my mind, and help me understand what these dreams are about.



{November 14, 2008}   ::Sigh::

I miss my mother…



et cetera