Leah’s Daughter’s Words











{April 4, 2009}   What Love Is…

So I am reading this book for one of my classes and it is addressing some pretty heavy issues. Love, of course is amongst the “heaviness” lol. It stuck out, the two ways he broke it down, to nurturing and cherishes. Aside from the mushy stuff, but looking at nurturing from the aspect of bringing to maturity and cherishing from the perspective of protecting. It was real rap, but I began to question my love in some areas. I have been questioning my motives with a lot of things I do. I know that in many cases, it isn’t that I want to have wrong intentions, but some of the time it is to see if it’ll actually work, i.e.-manipulation. I can signify until my face turns blue (which would take a really long time lol). I have done it since childhood. But I notice that sometimes I will do things just to see if I get the respinse that I expected. But sometimes I am not sure if I even do that for “experimentation” purposes or for my own selfish fulfillment. Oh Lord, my wicked heart needs You. Help me make sense of me.

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{March 25, 2009}   Wonderings..

Do I think he’s beautiful because he’s kinda forbidden and a likely challenge… or is he beautiful for the reasons he caught my eye in the first place? I think the latter, yet a little bit of both. Oh Lord, help me stay focused and stay away! Not in a paranoid way, but I know me and how I operate and I don’t want the real thing to be that way… so I just want to do this right regardless of how it goes… because if he’s him, I will be more than willing to wait =0)



{February 28, 2009}   Just… Hurt

No clever titles tonight. I know I didn’t ask for this, but I accepted the offer that would, to my suprise, be the first step to my eventual heartbreak. I didn’t think it would go down like this, especially since you could say I was promised the “moon, stars, etc” which I usually don’t go for… ever. Through all the tears that I am not sure if they were real to the former cheer leaders that now don’t remember their encouragements. It’s hard because I feel alone in this. That everybody understands what happened but they just don’t get it… It’s just me and of course, You Lord that has been here even when I ignored Your counsel. You’ve picked up the pieces and are remolding the woman, but it still hurts. I wish it didn’t. It’s just something about when he goes up to minister that it just seems like a lie. I know that when it comes to that I’m suppose to recieve the Word, not so much the person, but I see him too much. I just can’t bare it. I realized that I fortunately don’t hate him, but I surely don’t like him, strongly rather. Dad, please heal these wounds, these scars, please let me have back that piece of my heart that I gave him. I want it all back and then some. Help me to continually pray for those who crush me.

This song is like the epitome of where I’m at right now, just about every word.

 

It Was You by Emily King

Right Now To The Way We Were
So In Love But Life
Soon Brings Change
Through Ones Eyes
He Cried Tears For Me
But By His Side
I Can No Longer Be

We Used To Talk All Night
Of Different Things, But U,
U Didnt Hear Me Cry
Our Love Is Ending
Somewhere Between The Lies
This Sadness I Could No Longer Hide

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever

That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was You

And So My Love Goodbye
I’ll Miss You So You’ve Though Gone
But Leaves Do Change
As Time Goes On
And Though We Parted In The Ends
For All The Time Spent In Love
I Thank You

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever
That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was…

You Who Never Spoke Your Feelings
So Many Times I Tried To Tell You
That You Were Losing Me
But You Never Tried To Make Things Better
But You Didnt Choose To Seeeee My Pain
Now I’ve Got One Thing Left To Say
It Was You

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever
That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was You

This is almost unreal… God help



{February 22, 2009}   Why oh Why…

Why is it that everytime I swear off even lookin at men that one comes along that gets me thinkin like “hmmm there could be somethin there?” I don’t need this right now. I have enough issues and unfortunate unclosed cases. I am not even going to get excited because this isn’t the season. My heart needs to heal from the last one and I need to get me in order in every area. I won’t lie… the thought is nice… but just not right now…

 



{February 15, 2009}   10 Things I Hate About You

I’m feeling romantic-comedy-ish right now… thinking about some things in the midst of getting others out of my system. Things are really going well until I think about this… but I know and believe this will pass… so here goes…

10 Things I Hate About You

10. I hate that you are more stubborn than I am

9. I hate that you keep secrets

8. I hate that you make decisions when you know you aren’t sure

7. I hate that you are afraid to be alone, it concerns me

6. I hate that we’re not friends anymore and it doesn’t seem to phase you

5. I hate that you didn’t keep your words to me, wonder if you ever meant it

4. I hate that we have all these mutual friends so now it’s harder to escape you

3. I hate that you used to make me smile/laugh when I was mad at you

2. I hate that you thought replacing me would make things better, it didn’t

1. I hate the way you say goodbye and walked away from me/us… it’s so permanant

It was good to get that out. I am moving forward, but it still hurts. I don’t know if I have ever been to such a place in my life. It’s growing me up something crazy, but Lord, if this is the life of growing up… a big part of me is sayin “I don’t wanna grow up, I’m a Toys R Us kid” lol, but seriously. This is so jacked up it almost seems wrong. I feel like I am watching someone make the biggest mistake of their life and all I can do is let them… or maybe it’s me that made the mistake of agreeing to try this out in the first place way back when… Oh God, You know… time will tell and You will heal… it really hurts though… Thank You for lifting my head!



{February 10, 2009}   It’s Actually Not Bad At All…

I was going to entitle this “it’s not so bad” but as I thought about the full scope of my situation, it isn’t bad at all. I think he said it best, “but I don’t hate you/ I’m sayin’ thank you/ I’m movin on with my life/ hope everything is great for you!” It was so funny, the conversation I had the other day with a very wise woman that told me that you know people by their fruit. Regardless of if you’re being told one thing… look at what they do. It brought me back to a conversation I had last month with an old friend and she shared with me something that someone else had shared with her, “when somebody shows you who they are, believe them.” And that’s pretty much where I’ve been. I was told many a things that promised a plethora of things (yeah, I had to pull that word out lol)… but the reality was the exact opposite. I guess it’s “same script, different cast.” If only you could sue for false advertisement when it came to love lol, then we’d really be in a Great Depression lol. But it’s actually really all good. Love covers a multitude of wrongs, right? That it does. And it’s gonna cover multiples of multiples in this case because like I always say… “if I wasn’t built for this… God wouldn’t allow it” I’m free. I’m happy. I saw all I needed to see with that one. And when I’m ready… I’ll know.



{February 8, 2009}   Life After Love Lost…

There is.

Thank God.

Seriously.



{February 7, 2009}   The Epitome of A Friend

A simple reality check has come my way recently. Something that could be considered obvious, but in my mind hadn’t apparently been so obvious. The friend(s) I have been wanting, searching for, breaking my neck to obtain, risking my feelings to maintain among several other things was all wrong. I’ve been putting people in a place/position they have no place. Having certain expectations of them that they could never meet, therefore wasting everybody’s time with a void they can’t fill. I know people always say things like, “oh baby, don’t you know you have a friend in Jesus?” but when you aren’t really trying to hear that, you agree and walk away. Or sometimes finding yourself saying things like that or “God accepts you even when others don’t” and the crazy thing is, I’ve never tried to understand the things I have learned and have passed on the way that I am now. It could be because I have been broguht so low, and realizing He was all I could reach for, maybe that’s what it took to wake me up unfortunately. But you know what… to know, to truly know what I know now and have what I have now, it was well worth it. God has really been that awesome Friend, that never failing Father, or Daddy rather… who woulda knew…

“I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free!”



Yup! That’s what I have been doin for the last… 9 months I think. I guess morals didn’t play a major role for everyone in this, but that’s another story. So here’s day 2 of leaving it behind. Funny thing is, I’m making my peace with it. My happiness isn’t found in him anymore, nor is my joy or my will. I have cast down my idols in reference to the times when he was put on a pedestule in my life. That should have never been. I’ve repented of that and I will leave it where it belongs… in the past. It’s about time to clean out that closet, those items and those memories. I think that’ll be the hard part, because I don’t want to relive any of that stuff. I’d rather it be tucked somewhere and happen to disappear. I gotta fade you out. I just have to… I’m finally free from being love’s prisoner, from wasting time… the healing process is on another level…

 

“When you decide to break the rules/Cuz i just heard some real bad news”



I guess I went through the fire and apparently got burned… I think maybe it’s time. Time to move forward and move on. This possible interest or attraction rather than mine needs to stay where it is too. I am not sure if I am ready to even get to know him or the hassle of this whole thing. Maybe I will fall back all year and get it together. Lord knows. I just wanna maintain the right focus, because men are too much of a distraction for me right now, even the “nice” ones, but honestly, I’m not sure who the nice ones are anymore because once I get to know them and see who they are, it’s not so nice. It’s crazy how after all I have been through, the last was the hardest. Maybe because I gave too much, maybe because I believed him, yeah, I think that’s it. Regardless of why I did with all that I knew, my trust was taken for granted and it hurt/hurts bad… Here’s a cliche… “you live and you learn” but to follow that… you love and you lose (but not always)



et cetera