Leah’s Daughter’s Words











{April 4, 2009}   What Love Is…

So I am reading this book for one of my classes and it is addressing some pretty heavy issues. Love, of course is amongst the “heaviness” lol. It stuck out, the two ways he broke it down, to nurturing and cherishes. Aside from the mushy stuff, but looking at nurturing from the aspect of bringing to maturity and cherishing from the perspective of protecting. It was real rap, but I began to question my love in some areas. I have been questioning my motives with a lot of things I do. I know that in many cases, it isn’t that I want to have wrong intentions, but some of the time it is to see if it’ll actually work, i.e.-manipulation. I can signify until my face turns blue (which would take a really long time lol). I have done it since childhood. But I notice that sometimes I will do things just to see if I get the respinse that I expected. But sometimes I am not sure if I even do that for “experimentation” purposes or for my own selfish fulfillment. Oh Lord, my wicked heart needs You. Help me make sense of me.

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{March 24, 2009}   ???

I want to just cry so bad, but I just can’t seem to find the tears… I want to confess it all to God, but for some reason there is so much I want to say that I am speechless. I feel like crap… and I’m stressed. Not freakin’ out stressed, but stressed to the point that I don’t really want to deal with certain people like before. I don’t want what people have done to keep me away from God. I guess it’s more challenging when it’s the people of God :-\ … it just stings a little bit more…. okay maybe a lot.

Oh Lord, You know my wounds. You know my cries. Help me to run towards You and not away…

HELP!



{March 24, 2009}   What Do I Do?

So I’ve been in this rut… it’s weird. It is almost like I have gone out of my way to get closer to God and I still feel two steps behind… maybe it’s my mood or I’m overthinking I don’t know. I’m struggling with my heart when it comes to my church family. There are some that have been true, but it seems lately the others have outweighed the legit. Not to say this is about numbers but it just hurts, that’s all. I don’t know who to invest my time in these days. I have been fighting to love people regardless, it just really hurts.

On another note, I am excited and a little nervous about my decision to move next year. I am ready to experience life and the world outside of my city. I want to be places I’ve never been and do things beyond my own expectations. I can’t and can wait! Lord, guide me!

And on a siiiiiiide note… I have a great dilemma. I am not sure what it really is yet, but I believe I have a crush, a real one. I don’t wanna say and not gonna say because first of all I know I’m not ready for anything anytime soon, I’m still looking for me, so no need to be looking at him. Besides if this is legit, it will be complicated because this would be an illegal interest… Oh Lord, direct my ways…



{March 7, 2009}   You Are My Everything

Lord, You really are. Thank you for showing me that in the little things. Help my heart to pray for people, even when “I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t WANNA!” lol (smh), it’s true though. I love where You have me at and am excited to see where You are taking me. I just loooove You!



{March 5, 2009}   S.O.S.!!

I’m not even sure what that stands for anymore, lol. But, I think it has to do with needing help… at least sometimes. Anyway! I don’t know what happened. I was doing great. Then I just got so heavy. I need to talk to God. I have to. Because on He knows what’s up and what I need to see. I just have been realizing how in love with Him I have been lately and kinda despising anything/one that might seem like they would be in the way of that. Not in a “I hate your guts way” but a “don’t think you’re getting in front” kinda way. That is good for me, because it shows growth. Anyways… I need to go handle my business. My refuge. I love You!



{February 28, 2009}   Just… Hurt

No clever titles tonight. I know I didn’t ask for this, but I accepted the offer that would, to my suprise, be the first step to my eventual heartbreak. I didn’t think it would go down like this, especially since you could say I was promised the “moon, stars, etc” which I usually don’t go for… ever. Through all the tears that I am not sure if they were real to the former cheer leaders that now don’t remember their encouragements. It’s hard because I feel alone in this. That everybody understands what happened but they just don’t get it… It’s just me and of course, You Lord that has been here even when I ignored Your counsel. You’ve picked up the pieces and are remolding the woman, but it still hurts. I wish it didn’t. It’s just something about when he goes up to minister that it just seems like a lie. I know that when it comes to that I’m suppose to recieve the Word, not so much the person, but I see him too much. I just can’t bare it. I realized that I fortunately don’t hate him, but I surely don’t like him, strongly rather. Dad, please heal these wounds, these scars, please let me have back that piece of my heart that I gave him. I want it all back and then some. Help me to continually pray for those who crush me.

This song is like the epitome of where I’m at right now, just about every word.

 

It Was You by Emily King

Right Now To The Way We Were
So In Love But Life
Soon Brings Change
Through Ones Eyes
He Cried Tears For Me
But By His Side
I Can No Longer Be

We Used To Talk All Night
Of Different Things, But U,
U Didnt Hear Me Cry
Our Love Is Ending
Somewhere Between The Lies
This Sadness I Could No Longer Hide

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever

That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was You

And So My Love Goodbye
I’ll Miss You So You’ve Though Gone
But Leaves Do Change
As Time Goes On
And Though We Parted In The Ends
For All The Time Spent In Love
I Thank You

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever
That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was…

You Who Never Spoke Your Feelings
So Many Times I Tried To Tell You
That You Were Losing Me
But You Never Tried To Make Things Better
But You Didnt Choose To Seeeee My Pain
Now I’ve Got One Thing Left To Say
It Was You

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever
That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was You

This is almost unreal… God help



{February 8, 2009}   Life After Love Lost…

There is.

Thank God.

Seriously.



{January 26, 2009}   It Would’ve Been Your 20th

Today was my cousin’s birthday. Family went to his grave and I preferred not to. Not only because I have school, but even if I didn’t I more than likely would not have. I realize that he isn’t there, in fact he wasn’t there when we buried him. We burried a body that didn’t have a spirit anymore. My little c0usin was gone the night he breathed his last, not at his funeral. I feel like going to the grave does nothing more than re-create the funeral of crying over what wasn’t there anymore. It benefits us nothing to go back. It only brings sadness. We can reminisce at home. I don’t mean it to be harsh. And I don’t love him any less from when he was alive, but he’s gone. I can’t let him go by going back there. I mean, if anyone, I could understand my aunt possibly wanting to go as his mother, but honestly, regardless of who it is… mother, father, husband, (God-forbid) my own child… I’m not revisiting a grave site… because as far as I am concerned, both biblically and psychologically it doesn’t make sense. The only reason people went back to Jesus’s tomb was to see if He had risen and that He did. I think it is more of an American thing to try to hold onto a connection to someone that can no longer ever again love you back. I mean all we can talk about is who he was, he will never be again. I miss him though. RIP (hopefully) KMJH!



{January 25, 2009}   Restoration Feels Wonderful

I am… overjoyed… the past week or so I have been in this… “slump” of for some reason not wanting to or simply just not reading my Bible for myself. I mean I have read it for assignments and other things I have needed it for, but when it came time for me, I would either skim, make excuses or just go to sleep, etc. Last night was the last night and I sought His help. Got in my word and asked to restore the joy of my salvation amongst other things in Psalm 51. I feel so rejuvenated (if I spelled it right). My eyes are on the right things. I am so excited about my life, especially in knowing it doesn’t depend on anything or anyone else, but what Gods has planned for me, regardless. Everything else and everyone else additional will/would be great, but it has nothing to do with my destiny. I do want to get married some day and have a family, I sincerely do in the right timing. I have 50 million little businesses and ideas floating around in my head that I would really like to impliment someday, I sincerely do in the right timing. I have a lot of vision for all of those things. I really hope who I think would be that one is there with me through this, but if not, I’m sure what God has is perfect regardless. Anywho, I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free! Glory to God!



{January 21, 2009}   Today Wasn’t the Same

At first, I thought I had a pretty good day… no drama…at first. But even before the drama, I realized that I ate but wasn’t full, physically, but it spoke to a spiritual reality. I’d prayed I don’t know how many times today, and got in my word for ministry purposes, but for me… zero. I went from store to store to try to find a “healthy snack” to hold me over until I got home. I found several, but they didn’t satisfy. Then it hit me when I was on the road… food wasn’t what I was hungry, starving, nor longing for. It was that my day was “okay” but only okay, yet in several ways it didn’t make much sense because You weren’t in it. You were the topic of much conversation, but we didn’t talk. I really missed Jesus today. Both figuratively and literally. I missed Him by passing by opportunities to holla at Him and I missed Him, because He would’ve made my day more than okay. I missed You Lord. I don’t want to ever have to miss You like this. I need to come after You more.

I need You like water, like breath, like rain…



et cetera