Leah’s Daughter’s Words











{April 4, 2009}   What Love Is…

So I am reading this book for one of my classes and it is addressing some pretty heavy issues. Love, of course is amongst the “heaviness” lol. It stuck out, the two ways he broke it down, to nurturing and cherishes. Aside from the mushy stuff, but looking at nurturing from the aspect of bringing to maturity and cherishing from the perspective of protecting. It was real rap, but I began to question my love in some areas. I have been questioning my motives with a lot of things I do. I know that in many cases, it isn’t that I want to have wrong intentions, but some of the time it is to see if it’ll actually work, i.e.-manipulation. I can signify until my face turns blue (which would take a really long time lol). I have done it since childhood. But I notice that sometimes I will do things just to see if I get the respinse that I expected. But sometimes I am not sure if I even do that for “experimentation” purposes or for my own selfish fulfillment. Oh Lord, my wicked heart needs You. Help me make sense of me.



{March 25, 2009}   Wonderings..

Do I think he’s beautiful because he’s kinda forbidden and a likely challenge… or is he beautiful for the reasons he caught my eye in the first place? I think the latter, yet a little bit of both. Oh Lord, help me stay focused and stay away! Not in a paranoid way, but I know me and how I operate and I don’t want the real thing to be that way… so I just want to do this right regardless of how it goes… because if he’s him, I will be more than willing to wait =0)



{March 24, 2009}   What Do I Do?

So I’ve been in this rut… it’s weird. It is almost like I have gone out of my way to get closer to God and I still feel two steps behind… maybe it’s my mood or I’m overthinking I don’t know. I’m struggling with my heart when it comes to my church family. There are some that have been true, but it seems lately the others have outweighed the legit. Not to say this is about numbers but it just hurts, that’s all. I don’t know who to invest my time in these days. I have been fighting to love people regardless, it just really hurts.

On another note, I am excited and a little nervous about my decision to move next year. I am ready to experience life and the world outside of my city. I want to be places I’ve never been and do things beyond my own expectations. I can’t and can wait! Lord, guide me!

And on a siiiiiiide note… I have a great dilemma. I am not sure what it really is yet, but I believe I have a crush, a real one. I don’t wanna say and not gonna say because first of all I know I’m not ready for anything anytime soon, I’m still looking for me, so no need to be looking at him. Besides if this is legit, it will be complicated because this would be an illegal interest… Oh Lord, direct my ways…



{March 2, 2009}   Refreshed to Go the Distance

I think that was a title from a women’s conference, but whatever… that is where I am. I just got encouraged right on time. I will not grow weary in well doing. This is a fight. The studio was great last night and I am excited about what’s to come soon. I gotta work on these poems tonight, work on some homework, clean a little and most importantly spend some quality time with the Lord… My life is really fun, it’s unbelieveable… I really am “closer to my dreams…” ::smile::



{February 28, 2009}   Just… Hurt

No clever titles tonight. I know I didn’t ask for this, but I accepted the offer that would, to my suprise, be the first step to my eventual heartbreak. I didn’t think it would go down like this, especially since you could say I was promised the “moon, stars, etc” which I usually don’t go for… ever. Through all the tears that I am not sure if they were real to the former cheer leaders that now don’t remember their encouragements. It’s hard because I feel alone in this. That everybody understands what happened but they just don’t get it… It’s just me and of course, You Lord that has been here even when I ignored Your counsel. You’ve picked up the pieces and are remolding the woman, but it still hurts. I wish it didn’t. It’s just something about when he goes up to minister that it just seems like a lie. I know that when it comes to that I’m suppose to recieve the Word, not so much the person, but I see him too much. I just can’t bare it. I realized that I fortunately don’t hate him, but I surely don’t like him, strongly rather. Dad, please heal these wounds, these scars, please let me have back that piece of my heart that I gave him. I want it all back and then some. Help me to continually pray for those who crush me.

This song is like the epitome of where I’m at right now, just about every word.

 

It Was You by Emily King

Right Now To The Way We Were
So In Love But Life
Soon Brings Change
Through Ones Eyes
He Cried Tears For Me
But By His Side
I Can No Longer Be

We Used To Talk All Night
Of Different Things, But U,
U Didnt Hear Me Cry
Our Love Is Ending
Somewhere Between The Lies
This Sadness I Could No Longer Hide

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever

That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was You

And So My Love Goodbye
I’ll Miss You So You’ve Though Gone
But Leaves Do Change
As Time Goes On
And Though We Parted In The Ends
For All The Time Spent In Love
I Thank You

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever
That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was…

You Who Never Spoke Your Feelings
So Many Times I Tried To Tell You
That You Were Losing Me
But You Never Tried To Make Things Better
But You Didnt Choose To Seeeee My Pain
Now I’ve Got One Thing Left To Say
It Was You

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever
That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was You

This is almost unreal… God help



{February 26, 2009}   Sunshine: An Analogy

It rained today.

I thought that it would be worst than it was, but it wasn’t.

I thought that it would rain all day but it didn’t.

I thought I would get soaked, but my umbrella was in my trunk.

When I came outside the sun was shining.

It felt great, almost as if it had never rained.

I was encouraged by the weather today.

I thought of it, then I looked at my life.

I thought it was gonna rain long and hard but it didn’t.

The sunshine came and I was grateful.

So now, “I’m just trying to keep the Son in my eyes.” -Trip Lee



{February 25, 2009}   No More Idols

It’s been an interesting week and I’m fightin like never before… at least I hope I am. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like it. It’s more of this consistensy thing that’s been rough on me. I have the desire to get it in with the Lord and read my Word, but there have been days where I have wondered where time has gone aside from “little convos” with Him.

I’m seeing certain things in my life that look like they’ve been weightier than what my focus should be… so here I am at this point that many people face and have faced, but it sounds weird to say it these days, but Lord I cast down my idols… give me clean hands and a pure heart… let me not lift my soul to another.



{February 19, 2009}   I Just Want To “Be”

I need a day or two or maybe even three off… I need to get some things in order. I feel drained. Oh God, please help…



{February 17, 2009}   Glimpse of You

I am in an ironic sense overjoyed… not because of what happened today, but because of what and Who I saw in me today. I saw a glimpse of Jesus in the heat of a moment that could have changed the rest of my life. Usually it’s used as an expression, “you have pretty much thrown dirt in my face.” And there are usually many negative connotations to follow that. As for me, today, it literally happened, among other things. My client threw dirt in my face, a lot of it. I didn’t get angry, I didn’t react. I was definitely hurt, but then I saw the glory God could get from whatever my response was from this situation. It is awesome to see how far He’s brought me, because I know for sure that the old me would’ve been not only fired, but likely arrested. This wasn’t on no “non-violence” tip either, but to show off the glory of God by not reacting to how I feel and to forgive somebody that meant nothing but harm. I am grateful for His love and presence in my life.



{February 16, 2009}   Being A Grown Up

It officially sucks and is also great at the same time. I am proud that I’m makin some adult decisions, but don’t like the money it’s costinig me up front in many areas, (i.e. I got a BJs membership tonight) yet I know in the long run that was worth it along with my purchases. I have a lot on my plate and not much time to lolly gag with foolishness, which is good for me, but it’s still a lot. I am excited about these moves I am and will be making. I guess I am just a little drained and sometimes overwhelmed by it all. But overall, it’s not so bad. I am grateful and “happy” for the most part. My joy in the Lord is rather consistent so yay!



et cetera