Leah’s Daughter’s Words











{April 13, 2009}   What the Crap-o-la? (wtc)

feel like crap… oy… Lord…

Advertisements


{April 4, 2009}   What Love Is…

So I am reading this book for one of my classes and it is addressing some pretty heavy issues. Love, of course is amongst the “heaviness” lol. It stuck out, the two ways he broke it down, to nurturing and cherishes. Aside from the mushy stuff, but looking at nurturing from the aspect of bringing to maturity and cherishing from the perspective of protecting. It was real rap, but I began to question my love in some areas. I have been questioning my motives with a lot of things I do. I know that in many cases, it isn’t that I want to have wrong intentions, but some of the time it is to see if it’ll actually work, i.e.-manipulation. I can signify until my face turns blue (which would take a really long time lol). I have done it since childhood. But I notice that sometimes I will do things just to see if I get the respinse that I expected. But sometimes I am not sure if I even do that for “experimentation” purposes or for my own selfish fulfillment. Oh Lord, my wicked heart needs You. Help me make sense of me.



{March 25, 2009}   Wonderings..

Do I think he’s beautiful because he’s kinda forbidden and a likely challenge… or is he beautiful for the reasons he caught my eye in the first place? I think the latter, yet a little bit of both. Oh Lord, help me stay focused and stay away! Not in a paranoid way, but I know me and how I operate and I don’t want the real thing to be that way… so I just want to do this right regardless of how it goes… because if he’s him, I will be more than willing to wait =0)



{March 24, 2009}   ???

I want to just cry so bad, but I just can’t seem to find the tears… I want to confess it all to God, but for some reason there is so much I want to say that I am speechless. I feel like crap… and I’m stressed. Not freakin’ out stressed, but stressed to the point that I don’t really want to deal with certain people like before. I don’t want what people have done to keep me away from God. I guess it’s more challenging when it’s the people of God :-\ … it just stings a little bit more…. okay maybe a lot.

Oh Lord, You know my wounds. You know my cries. Help me to run towards You and not away…

HELP!



{March 24, 2009}   What Do I Do?

So I’ve been in this rut… it’s weird. It is almost like I have gone out of my way to get closer to God and I still feel two steps behind… maybe it’s my mood or I’m overthinking I don’t know. I’m struggling with my heart when it comes to my church family. There are some that have been true, but it seems lately the others have outweighed the legit. Not to say this is about numbers but it just hurts, that’s all. I don’t know who to invest my time in these days. I have been fighting to love people regardless, it just really hurts.

On another note, I am excited and a little nervous about my decision to move next year. I am ready to experience life and the world outside of my city. I want to be places I’ve never been and do things beyond my own expectations. I can’t and can wait! Lord, guide me!

And on a siiiiiiide note… I have a great dilemma. I am not sure what it really is yet, but I believe I have a crush, a real one. I don’t wanna say and not gonna say because first of all I know I’m not ready for anything anytime soon, I’m still looking for me, so no need to be looking at him. Besides if this is legit, it will be complicated because this would be an illegal interest… Oh Lord, direct my ways…



{March 7, 2009}   You Are My Everything

Lord, You really are. Thank you for showing me that in the little things. Help my heart to pray for people, even when “I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t WANNA!” lol (smh), it’s true though. I love where You have me at and am excited to see where You are taking me. I just loooove You!



{March 2, 2009}   Refreshed to Go the Distance

I think that was a title from a women’s conference, but whatever… that is where I am. I just got encouraged right on time. I will not grow weary in well doing. This is a fight. The studio was great last night and I am excited about what’s to come soon. I gotta work on these poems tonight, work on some homework, clean a little and most importantly spend some quality time with the Lord… My life is really fun, it’s unbelieveable… I really am “closer to my dreams…” ::smile::



{February 28, 2009}   Just… Hurt

No clever titles tonight. I know I didn’t ask for this, but I accepted the offer that would, to my suprise, be the first step to my eventual heartbreak. I didn’t think it would go down like this, especially since you could say I was promised the “moon, stars, etc” which I usually don’t go for… ever. Through all the tears that I am not sure if they were real to the former cheer leaders that now don’t remember their encouragements. It’s hard because I feel alone in this. That everybody understands what happened but they just don’t get it… It’s just me and of course, You Lord that has been here even when I ignored Your counsel. You’ve picked up the pieces and are remolding the woman, but it still hurts. I wish it didn’t. It’s just something about when he goes up to minister that it just seems like a lie. I know that when it comes to that I’m suppose to recieve the Word, not so much the person, but I see him too much. I just can’t bare it. I realized that I fortunately don’t hate him, but I surely don’t like him, strongly rather. Dad, please heal these wounds, these scars, please let me have back that piece of my heart that I gave him. I want it all back and then some. Help me to continually pray for those who crush me.

This song is like the epitome of where I’m at right now, just about every word.

 

It Was You by Emily King

Right Now To The Way We Were
So In Love But Life
Soon Brings Change
Through Ones Eyes
He Cried Tears For Me
But By His Side
I Can No Longer Be

We Used To Talk All Night
Of Different Things, But U,
U Didnt Hear Me Cry
Our Love Is Ending
Somewhere Between The Lies
This Sadness I Could No Longer Hide

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever

That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was You

And So My Love Goodbye
I’ll Miss You So You’ve Though Gone
But Leaves Do Change
As Time Goes On
And Though We Parted In The Ends
For All The Time Spent In Love
I Thank You

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever
That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was…

You Who Never Spoke Your Feelings
So Many Times I Tried To Tell You
That You Were Losing Me
But You Never Tried To Make Things Better
But You Didnt Choose To Seeeee My Pain
Now I’ve Got One Thing Left To Say
It Was You

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever
That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was You

This is almost unreal… God help



{February 25, 2009}   No More Idols

It’s been an interesting week and I’m fightin like never before… at least I hope I am. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like it. It’s more of this consistensy thing that’s been rough on me. I have the desire to get it in with the Lord and read my Word, but there have been days where I have wondered where time has gone aside from “little convos” with Him.

I’m seeing certain things in my life that look like they’ve been weightier than what my focus should be… so here I am at this point that many people face and have faced, but it sounds weird to say it these days, but Lord I cast down my idols… give me clean hands and a pure heart… let me not lift my soul to another.



{February 22, 2009}   Why oh Why…

Why is it that everytime I swear off even lookin at men that one comes along that gets me thinkin like “hmmm there could be somethin there?” I don’t need this right now. I have enough issues and unfortunate unclosed cases. I am not even going to get excited because this isn’t the season. My heart needs to heal from the last one and I need to get me in order in every area. I won’t lie… the thought is nice… but just not right now…

 



et cetera