Leah’s Daughter’s Words

{March 24, 2009}   What Do I Do?

So I’ve been in this rut… it’s weird. It is almost like I have gone out of my way to get closer to God and I still feel two steps behind… maybe it’s my mood or I’m overthinking I don’t know. I’m struggling with my heart when it comes to my church family. There are some that have been true, but it seems lately the others have outweighed the legit. Not to say this is about numbers but it just hurts, that’s all. I don’t know who to invest my time in these days. I have been fighting to love people regardless, it just really hurts.

On another note, I am excited and a little nervous about my decision to move next year. I am ready to experience life and the world outside of my city. I want to be places I’ve never been and do things beyond my own expectations. I can’t and can wait! Lord, guide me!

And on a siiiiiiide note… I have a great dilemma. I am not sure what it really is yet, but I believe I have a crush, a real one. I don’t wanna say and not gonna say because first of all I know I’m not ready for anything anytime soon, I’m still looking for me, so no need to be looking at him. Besides if this is legit, it will be complicated because this would be an illegal interest… Oh Lord, direct my ways…


{March 2, 2009}   Refreshed to Go the Distance

I think that was a title from a women’s conference, but whatever… that is where I am. I just got encouraged right on time. I will not grow weary in well doing. This is a fight. The studio was great last night and I am excited about what’s to come soon. I gotta work on these poems tonight, work on some homework, clean a little and most importantly spend some quality time with the Lord… My life is really fun, it’s unbelieveable… I really am “closer to my dreams…” ::smile::

{February 16, 2009}   Being A Grown Up

It officially sucks and is also great at the same time. I am proud that I’m makin some adult decisions, but don’t like the money it’s costinig me up front in many areas, (i.e. I got a BJs membership tonight) yet I know in the long run that was worth it along with my purchases. I have a lot on my plate and not much time to lolly gag with foolishness, which is good for me, but it’s still a lot. I am excited about these moves I am and will be making. I guess I am just a little drained and sometimes overwhelmed by it all. But overall, it’s not so bad. I am grateful and “happy” for the most part. My joy in the Lord is rather consistent so yay!

{February 5, 2009}   My Forever Love

Lord, You are my forever love… it’s true. I love the song by Francesca Battestelli entitled, “Forever Love.” But, anyways… it seems so simple but it is bigger than that. You never sleep, are always faithful, never fail. It’s truly amazing in every sense of the word. I’m happy to know You, which is an understatement. I need to keep my eyes on You and then everything else will make sense.

I decided to take a chill day from school today, only have one class today anyway, unless they email and say my refund check is ready lol, then I am there with the quickness! I wanted to rest a little and do some homework. Got much to do this weekend and for the rest of this month in fact. So here goes nothing… smile anyway 🙂

Yup! That’s what I have been doin for the last… 9 months I think. I guess morals didn’t play a major role for everyone in this, but that’s another story. So here’s day 2 of leaving it behind. Funny thing is, I’m making my peace with it. My happiness isn’t found in him anymore, nor is my joy or my will. I have cast down my idols in reference to the times when he was put on a pedestule in my life. That should have never been. I’ve repented of that and I will leave it where it belongs… in the past. It’s about time to clean out that closet, those items and those memories. I think that’ll be the hard part, because I don’t want to relive any of that stuff. I’d rather it be tucked somewhere and happen to disappear. I gotta fade you out. I just have to… I’m finally free from being love’s prisoner, from wasting time… the healing process is on another level…


“When you decide to break the rules/Cuz i just heard some real bad news”

{January 31, 2009}   Rejuvenated

Yup, that’s the word! I am truly excited about these next coming months. There is so much to be excited about and mucho going on. And it may begin as early as this coming Saturday… NYC here I come! I’m so grateful for how far God has brought me, it makes me speechless at times. It’s amazing to look back, literally amazing. So I have mucho studying to do tonight and some paperwork for work… so here goes the night…

“i feel like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe/I feel like I’m falling and this is the life for me”

{January 25, 2009}   Restoration Feels Wonderful

I am… overjoyed… the past week or so I have been in this… “slump” of for some reason not wanting to or simply just not reading my Bible for myself. I mean I have read it for assignments and other things I have needed it for, but when it came time for me, I would either skim, make excuses or just go to sleep, etc. Last night was the last night and I sought His help. Got in my word and asked to restore the joy of my salvation amongst other things in Psalm 51. I feel so rejuvenated (if I spelled it right). My eyes are on the right things. I am so excited about my life, especially in knowing it doesn’t depend on anything or anyone else, but what Gods has planned for me, regardless. Everything else and everyone else additional will/would be great, but it has nothing to do with my destiny. I do want to get married some day and have a family, I sincerely do in the right timing. I have 50 million little businesses and ideas floating around in my head that I would really like to impliment someday, I sincerely do in the right timing. I have a lot of vision for all of those things. I really hope who I think would be that one is there with me through this, but if not, I’m sure what God has is perfect regardless. Anywho, I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free! Glory to God!

{January 14, 2009}   Where I’m At

Though the video quality is garbage… the song makes my point as far as my thoughts tonight…

“cuz even if I said I was leavin babe, I couldn’t picture no more you and me… so listen to the realest thing that I can say… sometimes it’s a struggle babe… and for what it’s worth I will struggle babe… cuz I want to be in your life, so I’mma keep trying

Though I hate that Ashanti uses “baby” in every form or fashion in just  about 98% of her songs, this one is a winner in my book lol.

On another more exciting note!! I feel like I am really making some major moves on some of my goals already. Set up a photoshoot. Lookin up my flights for my trips. Getting more ideas for my website, my book, and found out some info about copyrighting, AND also the dvd and my painting is coming soon. My life is full whether I believe it or not and I am indeed excited about that! Glory to God!!

As frustrating that is to comprehend at times… I believe it. Especially with what is behind me. I realized recently, but more so today something about me and my future, aside from my dreams. From a point of humility, I realized that God is forming me in to a genuine extraordinary woman in every sense of the word. I have always known that I am not like a lot of people (and so have they), but that was usually from a negative perspective. However, this time, it’s different. I’m really not like a lot of people in the sense that I won’t settle for an ordinary life, I want so much more. I want to truly live, to really be alive! I’m gratefu for this revelation, yet almost terrified at the same time… it’s hard to fathom the reality. I am excited though.

On another note… even though it may seem unfeasible (if that is a word), I have this feeling or whatever it is that won’t leave that makes me believe that I will not only get my best friend back, but it’ll be more than that and better than before and it will be right this time. I will prepare myself and strive to keep it together and move forward in the meantime and try not to worry about it, for God is sovereign.

Yes! I feel like crap and it doesn’t matter. Glory to God. Dr. Jack Graham just said, “God never promised us immunity from problems,” in reference to 1 Peter 5:8, which my pastor ironically taught on today. I am encouraged despite these fickle emotions that do not run my life. They aren’t allowed anymore. It’s about time they retired and know their role when they are needed. I’m fightin for my life and at least at this very moment… I’m happy and I feel strong. Not giddy feelings strong, but I feel strong as far as my mindset and determination. Doubt – you don’t win anymore. Insecurity – you have no place here. Pity/jealousy/discontentment – all of you are fired, I don’t want you anymore and I refuse to cling to you. You have literally helped to ruin my life in so many areas that I am just sick in tired of you taking advantage of me… and more sick and tired of letting you. So everyday, I say you are off your assisgnment when it comes to this here body. Find something else to do… goes twiddle your thumbs and beat your feet while you are at it, because you and I have nothing in common. I guess you could call this a break up, because it’s over! Lose my number. Don’t call me because I won’t call you. We have no mutual friends, nor soul ties, nor anything to negotiate. I’m leaving you and I won’t look back. I’m at a point in my life where you make me physically ill. Like I said before… it’s over. I’m falling in love with freedom…

et cetera