Leah’s Daughter’s Words











{March 25, 2009}   Wonderings..

Do I think he’s beautiful because he’s kinda forbidden and a likely challenge… or is he beautiful for the reasons he caught my eye in the first place? I think the latter, yet a little bit of both. Oh Lord, help me stay focused and stay away! Not in a paranoid way, but I know me and how I operate and I don’t want the real thing to be that way… so I just want to do this right regardless of how it goes… because if he’s him, I will be more than willing to wait =0)

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{March 24, 2009}   What Do I Do?

So I’ve been in this rut… it’s weird. It is almost like I have gone out of my way to get closer to God and I still feel two steps behind… maybe it’s my mood or I’m overthinking I don’t know. I’m struggling with my heart when it comes to my church family. There are some that have been true, but it seems lately the others have outweighed the legit. Not to say this is about numbers but it just hurts, that’s all. I don’t know who to invest my time in these days. I have been fighting to love people regardless, it just really hurts.

On another note, I am excited and a little nervous about my decision to move next year. I am ready to experience life and the world outside of my city. I want to be places I’ve never been and do things beyond my own expectations. I can’t and can wait! Lord, guide me!

And on a siiiiiiide note… I have a great dilemma. I am not sure what it really is yet, but I believe I have a crush, a real one. I don’t wanna say and not gonna say because first of all I know I’m not ready for anything anytime soon, I’m still looking for me, so no need to be looking at him. Besides if this is legit, it will be complicated because this would be an illegal interest… Oh Lord, direct my ways…



{February 22, 2009}   Why oh Why…

Why is it that everytime I swear off even lookin at men that one comes along that gets me thinkin like “hmmm there could be somethin there?” I don’t need this right now. I have enough issues and unfortunate unclosed cases. I am not even going to get excited because this isn’t the season. My heart needs to heal from the last one and I need to get me in order in every area. I won’t lie… the thought is nice… but just not right now…

 



{January 25, 2009}   Restoration Feels Wonderful

I am… overjoyed… the past week or so I have been in this… “slump” of for some reason not wanting to or simply just not reading my Bible for myself. I mean I have read it for assignments and other things I have needed it for, but when it came time for me, I would either skim, make excuses or just go to sleep, etc. Last night was the last night and I sought His help. Got in my word and asked to restore the joy of my salvation amongst other things in Psalm 51. I feel so rejuvenated (if I spelled it right). My eyes are on the right things. I am so excited about my life, especially in knowing it doesn’t depend on anything or anyone else, but what Gods has planned for me, regardless. Everything else and everyone else additional will/would be great, but it has nothing to do with my destiny. I do want to get married some day and have a family, I sincerely do in the right timing. I have 50 million little businesses and ideas floating around in my head that I would really like to impliment someday, I sincerely do in the right timing. I have a lot of vision for all of those things. I really hope who I think would be that one is there with me through this, but if not, I’m sure what God has is perfect regardless. Anywho, I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free! Glory to God!



{January 20, 2009}   Love & Basketball

oy…

“Only God Knows” -Kanye West

Focus. Focus!



{January 12, 2009}   Remaining Hopeful

I’m fighting my thoughts… my emotions… doubt. I can’t allow it to have any control over me. It’s rough though… this friends thing. But I am really making great efforts, even if it feels weird. Even if it feels more weird when I talk to the other person involved. I’m trying to stay… “neutral” I guess. I don’t know what else to do. A part of me is feeling like “wake me up when this is over” but I gotta fight despite that. I know what I want… just not sure if it will happen. I’m seeing things that I could take as confirmations, but I just don’t know until I know I guess…. or maybe it’s I just won’t believe it until I see it kinda thing. I am trying to be patient and keep my focus where it needs to be and not let the fact that I think about him, us, or the possible us, or even the impossible us. I am and have learned a lot these past 8 months though…



{January 5, 2009}   Video Blog

…they’re just emotions…

…this too shall pass…



{January 5, 2009}   Maintaining Godly Standards

I was in very good company today with an old friend that I hadn’t chilled with in a long time. I’m hurtin’ right now about some things, but I am encouraged to still stand and fight therefore. It is helpful to know that I am not alone… ever. Lord, I know You have so much for me, probably more than I think I want. Help me to focus where I need to be and remove myself from places that it simply isn’t time for. I love You more than words can describe. And for that reason… I’m gonna maintain Your standards, for Your ways are higher than my ways and Your thoughts, higher than my thoughts and so on. Kadosh Atah!! (You are holy!) Bravo God! For You are holy! You are great! And You do miracles!

Despite the way I feel and what I think… I got to and I will let go every single day if I have to… I know my worth, if it happens, it has to be done right.

 



{December 31, 2008}   Coldest Winter?

the song I got this title from… not exactly what I’m thinking, but some points…

Ughhh… am I stuck in memories and/or fantasy land? What can I do about me to handle this better? What do I do to control my thoughts in any interaction? It’s like, even when it comes to typical everyday “shut ups” or “mind your business” or even “hey”, they sound simple and normal but what’s behing them in my head? “I love you” Weird! But it’s the truth. I feel like a school girl and it’s… stupid. Dad, I need help… I just wanna build a friendship that I really hope goes beyond that, but I don’t want my motives to be focused in that area, rather deal with what I do have… a friend… kinda. Dad, help me to start over everyday, even when it hurts. You helped me mucho tonight. It wasn’t nearly as weird as I would’ve thought it would be, even though she and I worked side by side the whole night & on top of that, he came down and saw us working together.

Ughhh… “don’t say you will… unless you will… I pray you will…”



{December 27, 2008}   Overload

Okay, so I’m kinda realizing what I am doing to myself… these long shifts are def taking their toll… my house is a mess, but I haven’t been here the past few days to deal with it. So that ends today cuz it’s not cool. So I’ve been pursuing purity and asking God to help me think soberly, (which in addition, He also knows is code for make the feelings go away, tell me no about that one so I can just leave it alone) BUT that part just won’t happen! A for effort though, right? I mean I am not going to say anything anymore, but my question becomes, “Lord, what do I do with my heart?” I’ve never been here before. Even beyond my feelings is whatever this is that’s keeping me at this point won’t go away. I pray it isn’t in vain, even though it 99.999% looks that way. Our “friendship” is still rocky, but I’ll be patient, especially since there is nothing else I can do. I just wish I had the ability that guys have in cutting things off, but then again I don’t because I want to get through this not over it…

“i’m in love wit u… but the vibe is wrong”

“how could u be so cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo”

“after all the things that we been thru”

“ayo, I did some things but that’s the old me”

“you got a new friend, but I got homies, but in the end-still so lonely”

” they don’t know what we been through, they don’t know bout me & u”



et cetera