Leah’s Daughter’s Words











{March 25, 2009}   Wonderings..

Do I think he’s beautiful because he’s kinda forbidden and a likely challenge… or is he beautiful for the reasons he caught my eye in the first place? I think the latter, yet a little bit of both. Oh Lord, help me stay focused and stay away! Not in a paranoid way, but I know me and how I operate and I don’t want the real thing to be that way… so I just want to do this right regardless of how it goes… because if he’s him, I will be more than willing to wait =0)

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{March 24, 2009}   What Do I Do?

So I’ve been in this rut… it’s weird. It is almost like I have gone out of my way to get closer to God and I still feel two steps behind… maybe it’s my mood or I’m overthinking I don’t know. I’m struggling with my heart when it comes to my church family. There are some that have been true, but it seems lately the others have outweighed the legit. Not to say this is about numbers but it just hurts, that’s all. I don’t know who to invest my time in these days. I have been fighting to love people regardless, it just really hurts.

On another note, I am excited and a little nervous about my decision to move next year. I am ready to experience life and the world outside of my city. I want to be places I’ve never been and do things beyond my own expectations. I can’t and can wait! Lord, guide me!

And on a siiiiiiide note… I have a great dilemma. I am not sure what it really is yet, but I believe I have a crush, a real one. I don’t wanna say and not gonna say because first of all I know I’m not ready for anything anytime soon, I’m still looking for me, so no need to be looking at him. Besides if this is legit, it will be complicated because this would be an illegal interest… Oh Lord, direct my ways…



{March 7, 2009}   You Are My Everything

Lord, You really are. Thank you for showing me that in the little things. Help my heart to pray for people, even when “I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t WANNA!” lol (smh), it’s true though. I love where You have me at and am excited to see where You are taking me. I just loooove You!



{March 1, 2009}   ::Smile::

I don’t know what it is Lord, but for some reason, tonight… I feel… beautiful. Beautiful in a way that I cannot describe so I will just say thank You and amen :0)



{February 15, 2009}   10 Things I Hate About You

I’m feeling romantic-comedy-ish right now… thinking about some things in the midst of getting others out of my system. Things are really going well until I think about this… but I know and believe this will pass… so here goes…

10 Things I Hate About You

10. I hate that you are more stubborn than I am

9. I hate that you keep secrets

8. I hate that you make decisions when you know you aren’t sure

7. I hate that you are afraid to be alone, it concerns me

6. I hate that we’re not friends anymore and it doesn’t seem to phase you

5. I hate that you didn’t keep your words to me, wonder if you ever meant it

4. I hate that we have all these mutual friends so now it’s harder to escape you

3. I hate that you used to make me smile/laugh when I was mad at you

2. I hate that you thought replacing me would make things better, it didn’t

1. I hate the way you say goodbye and walked away from me/us… it’s so permanant

It was good to get that out. I am moving forward, but it still hurts. I don’t know if I have ever been to such a place in my life. It’s growing me up something crazy, but Lord, if this is the life of growing up… a big part of me is sayin “I don’t wanna grow up, I’m a Toys R Us kid” lol, but seriously. This is so jacked up it almost seems wrong. I feel like I am watching someone make the biggest mistake of their life and all I can do is let them… or maybe it’s me that made the mistake of agreeing to try this out in the first place way back when… Oh God, You know… time will tell and You will heal… it really hurts though… Thank You for lifting my head!



{February 10, 2009}   It’s Actually Not Bad At All…

I was going to entitle this “it’s not so bad” but as I thought about the full scope of my situation, it isn’t bad at all. I think he said it best, “but I don’t hate you/ I’m sayin’ thank you/ I’m movin on with my life/ hope everything is great for you!” It was so funny, the conversation I had the other day with a very wise woman that told me that you know people by their fruit. Regardless of if you’re being told one thing… look at what they do. It brought me back to a conversation I had last month with an old friend and she shared with me something that someone else had shared with her, “when somebody shows you who they are, believe them.” And that’s pretty much where I’ve been. I was told many a things that promised a plethora of things (yeah, I had to pull that word out lol)… but the reality was the exact opposite. I guess it’s “same script, different cast.” If only you could sue for false advertisement when it came to love lol, then we’d really be in a Great Depression lol. But it’s actually really all good. Love covers a multitude of wrongs, right? That it does. And it’s gonna cover multiples of multiples in this case because like I always say… “if I wasn’t built for this… God wouldn’t allow it” I’m free. I’m happy. I saw all I needed to see with that one. And when I’m ready… I’ll know.



{February 8, 2009}   Life After Love Lost…

There is.

Thank God.

Seriously.



{February 7, 2009}   The Epitome of A Friend

A simple reality check has come my way recently. Something that could be considered obvious, but in my mind hadn’t apparently been so obvious. The friend(s) I have been wanting, searching for, breaking my neck to obtain, risking my feelings to maintain among several other things was all wrong. I’ve been putting people in a place/position they have no place. Having certain expectations of them that they could never meet, therefore wasting everybody’s time with a void they can’t fill. I know people always say things like, “oh baby, don’t you know you have a friend in Jesus?” but when you aren’t really trying to hear that, you agree and walk away. Or sometimes finding yourself saying things like that or “God accepts you even when others don’t” and the crazy thing is, I’ve never tried to understand the things I have learned and have passed on the way that I am now. It could be because I have been broguht so low, and realizing He was all I could reach for, maybe that’s what it took to wake me up unfortunately. But you know what… to know, to truly know what I know now and have what I have now, it was well worth it. God has really been that awesome Friend, that never failing Father, or Daddy rather… who woulda knew…

“I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free!”



{February 5, 2009}   My Forever Love

Lord, You are my forever love… it’s true. I love the song by Francesca Battestelli entitled, “Forever Love.” But, anyways… it seems so simple but it is bigger than that. You never sleep, are always faithful, never fail. It’s truly amazing in every sense of the word. I’m happy to know You, which is an understatement. I need to keep my eyes on You and then everything else will make sense.

I decided to take a chill day from school today, only have one class today anyway, unless they email and say my refund check is ready lol, then I am there with the quickness! I wanted to rest a little and do some homework. Got much to do this weekend and for the rest of this month in fact. So here goes nothing… smile anyway 🙂



Yup! That’s what I have been doin for the last… 9 months I think. I guess morals didn’t play a major role for everyone in this, but that’s another story. So here’s day 2 of leaving it behind. Funny thing is, I’m making my peace with it. My happiness isn’t found in him anymore, nor is my joy or my will. I have cast down my idols in reference to the times when he was put on a pedestule in my life. That should have never been. I’ve repented of that and I will leave it where it belongs… in the past. It’s about time to clean out that closet, those items and those memories. I think that’ll be the hard part, because I don’t want to relive any of that stuff. I’d rather it be tucked somewhere and happen to disappear. I gotta fade you out. I just have to… I’m finally free from being love’s prisoner, from wasting time… the healing process is on another level…

 

“When you decide to break the rules/Cuz i just heard some real bad news”



et cetera