Leah’s Daughter’s Words











{March 25, 2009}   Wonderings..

Do I think he’s beautiful because he’s kinda forbidden and a likely challenge… or is he beautiful for the reasons he caught my eye in the first place? I think the latter, yet a little bit of both. Oh Lord, help me stay focused and stay away! Not in a paranoid way, but I know me and how I operate and I don’t want the real thing to be that way… so I just want to do this right regardless of how it goes… because if he’s him, I will be more than willing to wait =0)

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{March 24, 2009}   What Do I Do?

So I’ve been in this rut… it’s weird. It is almost like I have gone out of my way to get closer to God and I still feel two steps behind… maybe it’s my mood or I’m overthinking I don’t know. I’m struggling with my heart when it comes to my church family. There are some that have been true, but it seems lately the others have outweighed the legit. Not to say this is about numbers but it just hurts, that’s all. I don’t know who to invest my time in these days. I have been fighting to love people regardless, it just really hurts.

On another note, I am excited and a little nervous about my decision to move next year. I am ready to experience life and the world outside of my city. I want to be places I’ve never been and do things beyond my own expectations. I can’t and can wait! Lord, guide me!

And on a siiiiiiide note… I have a great dilemma. I am not sure what it really is yet, but I believe I have a crush, a real one. I don’t wanna say and not gonna say because first of all I know I’m not ready for anything anytime soon, I’m still looking for me, so no need to be looking at him. Besides if this is legit, it will be complicated because this would be an illegal interest… Oh Lord, direct my ways…



{February 8, 2009}   Life After Love Lost…

There is.

Thank God.

Seriously.



{February 7, 2009}   The Epitome of A Friend

A simple reality check has come my way recently. Something that could be considered obvious, but in my mind hadn’t apparently been so obvious. The friend(s) I have been wanting, searching for, breaking my neck to obtain, risking my feelings to maintain among several other things was all wrong. I’ve been putting people in a place/position they have no place. Having certain expectations of them that they could never meet, therefore wasting everybody’s time with a void they can’t fill. I know people always say things like, “oh baby, don’t you know you have a friend in Jesus?” but when you aren’t really trying to hear that, you agree and walk away. Or sometimes finding yourself saying things like that or “God accepts you even when others don’t” and the crazy thing is, I’ve never tried to understand the things I have learned and have passed on the way that I am now. It could be because I have been broguht so low, and realizing He was all I could reach for, maybe that’s what it took to wake me up unfortunately. But you know what… to know, to truly know what I know now and have what I have now, it was well worth it. God has really been that awesome Friend, that never failing Father, or Daddy rather… who woulda knew…

“I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free!”



{January 19, 2009}   Ironic? I Just Don’t Know

So it has been a few days so I will work backwards before I forget what I was going to type about lol. So I was going through some school supplies I had left over my niece’s house a few years ago and came across an aol instant messenger conversation between me and my ex before my last one. A convo from Fall ’05. I was about to toss it, but decided to read through it. Aside from all the gushy foolishness at all times of the morning, there was a line that made my heart almost skip a beat because it looked rather familiar. He said to some effect, “it seems like you were made for me.” Words that rang as very familiar and it actually kinda hurt. I didn’t even remember him saying that crap and that isn’t what bothered me. It was that my last ex said almost exactly the same thing to me before out of the blue and I saved that message too because when I asked him about it he didn’t explain why he had thought that, so I figured I would ask again when the time is right. I don’t know if that time will ever come. But it hurt because, it made me wonder if that was one of those in the heat of liking somebody things that people say out of being intoxicated with infatuation, as my pastor would put it. I guess it hurts because for some reason with that one, I meant all those “mushy-like” statements I made, even when I couldn’t stand him, which is pretty much where I am now lol. But I always assumed he meant it too… based on the fact that I did. But I guess I was wrong. I just found that really interesting. Maybe it’s in the “how-to-reel-in-a-girl’s-heart” in some sort of Guys 101 catalog lol (not funny). Wow. All I can say is wow. Don’t really know what to do with that. It’s making me lean towards that “that’s what they all say” & “all men are the same” attitude, but that’s not true. I hoped it wasn’t true there. I hope it isn’t true now…

On another note. I found myself stepping back a lot this past week. I am not sure who to bang with like that anymore. People are seeming shady when it comes to their words with their deeds, or even their “behaviors” in certain surroundings. Aside from it making me feel uncomfortable, I have had my walls up with many. Not because I want to, but I just really didn’t feel like crying nor being betrayed this week at least. I was encouraged by a friend of realizing longsuffering. And this… is only the beginning of that. But I will longsuffer, all for God’s glory.



{January 12, 2009}   Remaining Hopeful

I’m fighting my thoughts… my emotions… doubt. I can’t allow it to have any control over me. It’s rough though… this friends thing. But I am really making great efforts, even if it feels weird. Even if it feels more weird when I talk to the other person involved. I’m trying to stay… “neutral” I guess. I don’t know what else to do. A part of me is feeling like “wake me up when this is over” but I gotta fight despite that. I know what I want… just not sure if it will happen. I’m seeing things that I could take as confirmations, but I just don’t know until I know I guess…. or maybe it’s I just won’t believe it until I see it kinda thing. I am trying to be patient and keep my focus where it needs to be and not let the fact that I think about him, us, or the possible us, or even the impossible us. I am and have learned a lot these past 8 months though…



{January 1, 2009}   1-1-09

I’m not pressed about the date. Everyday change is being fought for in my life, therefore I refuse to make any foolish resolutions. I do have some goals for this year though… a few things hopefully that will come to fruition. Some trips I want to make, some places spiritually that I want to be, workin on the book, hopefully also on this Bible study and quite possibly grad school this year, if it’s in God’s will (I pray it is, pleeeeeease), and whatever else awaits me. I hope no more losses… I’m still sick with last year and it’s still like yesterday to me. I need healing in that area, but I miss my cousin so much, I still can’t believe it.

But as for New Years Eve… it was real……. hood. They got drunk & rowdy, threw up and so on. I went to sleep & overslept in getting to my aunt’s. I will say I did have some fun with my fam today, but had to be very careful as far as how far that fun went and suprisingly, I felt like I controlled it almost… if they saw a look on my face that said “goin too far”, they apologized and backed off. Dad, I know that’s You ::smile::

As for my friendship… I am learning to push beyond the way I feel and be a friend, even if it feels weird, it doesn’t have to be weird. I need to push passed the awkward silence and try harder. I saw this yesterday in our phone convo, where I would usually take that as a hint to say “well, okay bye, just wanted to say hey” but this time… no… there was that pause, but the convo continued… glory to God in the little things. I still don’t know what will be to come but I guess we will all see.

My cuz is comin thru tonight… two words… divine appointments…

“I know my destination… but I’m just not there”… but I’ll get there ::smile::



{December 31, 2008}   Coldest Winter?

the song I got this title from… not exactly what I’m thinking, but some points…

Ughhh… am I stuck in memories and/or fantasy land? What can I do about me to handle this better? What do I do to control my thoughts in any interaction? It’s like, even when it comes to typical everyday “shut ups” or “mind your business” or even “hey”, they sound simple and normal but what’s behing them in my head? “I love you” Weird! But it’s the truth. I feel like a school girl and it’s… stupid. Dad, I need help… I just wanna build a friendship that I really hope goes beyond that, but I don’t want my motives to be focused in that area, rather deal with what I do have… a friend… kinda. Dad, help me to start over everyday, even when it hurts. You helped me mucho tonight. It wasn’t nearly as weird as I would’ve thought it would be, even though she and I worked side by side the whole night & on top of that, he came down and saw us working together.

Ughhh… “don’t say you will… unless you will… I pray you will…”



{December 30, 2008}   Stretched!!

Dad… help my mind and my heart. Help me to love those that have the ability to irk every pet peeve nerve I possess. Help me to love the judgmental, the over zealous, the over critical, the exceedingly naive, the always negative, the obsessed with image rather than the heart, and/or the grudge holders that treat you like what you did ten years ago was ten seconds ago. I pray that those that I have been any of those things to are interceeding for me. I know my heart can be ugly and dark and it humbles me and sends me running back to You. Thank You for testing my godly patience with these people, but they really get on my nerves every single opportunity they get whether they realize it or not. I can’t change them, but You can change me.

God help!



How do you prepare for a fight you’ve never really tried to win? That’s where I am. As I think about the predicaments that I have put myself in, I almost wish that I used to be a betting woman because the end result was always what my first thought was and I went for it anyway when it came to my heart. I knew I could more than likely get hurt, with a great possibility of that being the case, especially with the types of people I dealt with, but I still went for it anyway with full knowledge of it. You would have thought I liked pain because I never really tried to protect myself, at least not for long.

So here I am now, pressing fighting with all I got for emotional purity because this thing is hitting me right in the face everyday. A battle I wasn’t prepared for. Energy that I didn’t intend to be put into this. The battlefield has been rather gruesome and sometimes it’s hard to tell who’s winning because of the exhaustion. Some days I’m left at… well Lord, what do I do now? Because for the majority of this, I’ve been running to You, because this warfare isn’t something I have any “military” experience with. I didn’t know it could hurt this bad. I didn’t know i would have to press this hard for my thoughts to be elsewhere. I had no idea what I had ultimatley signed myself up for when I didn’t read the rules in this thing.

SO… here I am again… fighting… praying… fighting & praying & studying & seeking counsel & trying to keep things as normal as I can, but then there’s those moments where I admit to myself how bad this really sucks and from time to time the flood gates open and here I am. Dad, I need Your strength, Your counsel, Your words, Your guidance, EVERYTHING! I don’t want to stay here. I want to be free. I just wanna be with You. Help me to walk in my worth and not settle for ANYthing less.

Draw me close to You

Never let me go…

Let me know You are near…

But

What do I do?



et cetera