Leah’s Daughter’s Words

{January 26, 2009}   It Would’ve Been Your 20th

Today was my cousin’s birthday. Family went to his grave and I preferred not to. Not only because I have school, but even if I didn’t I more than likely would not have. I realize that he isn’t there, in fact he wasn’t there when we buried him. We burried a body that didn’t have a spirit anymore. My little c0usin was gone the night he breathed his last, not at his funeral. I feel like going to the grave does nothing more than re-create the funeral of crying over what wasn’t there anymore. It benefits us nothing to go back. It only brings sadness. We can reminisce at home. I don’t mean it to be harsh. And I don’t love him any less from when he was alive, but he’s gone. I can’t let him go by going back there. I mean, if anyone, I could understand my aunt possibly wanting to go as his mother, but honestly, regardless of who it is… mother, father, husband, (God-forbid) my own child… I’m not revisiting a grave site… because as far as I am concerned, both biblically and psychologically it doesn’t make sense. The only reason people went back to Jesus’s tomb was to see if He had risen and that He did. I think it is more of an American thing to try to hold onto a connection to someone that can no longer ever again love you back. I mean all we can talk about is who he was, he will never be again. I miss him though. RIP (hopefully) KMJH!


{January 19, 2009}   Ironic? I Just Don’t Know

So it has been a few days so I will work backwards before I forget what I was going to type about lol. So I was going through some school supplies I had left over my niece’s house a few years ago and came across an aol instant messenger conversation between me and my ex before my last one. A convo from Fall ’05. I was about to toss it, but decided to read through it. Aside from all the gushy foolishness at all times of the morning, there was a line that made my heart almost skip a beat because it looked rather familiar. He said to some effect, “it seems like you were made for me.” Words that rang as very familiar and it actually kinda hurt. I didn’t even remember him saying that crap and that isn’t what bothered me. It was that my last ex said almost exactly the same thing to me before out of the blue and I saved that message too because when I asked him about it he didn’t explain why he had thought that, so I figured I would ask again when the time is right. I don’t know if that time will ever come. But it hurt because, it made me wonder if that was one of those in the heat of liking somebody things that people say out of being intoxicated with infatuation, as my pastor would put it. I guess it hurts because for some reason with that one, I meant all those “mushy-like” statements I made, even when I couldn’t stand him, which is pretty much where I am now lol. But I always assumed he meant it too… based on the fact that I did. But I guess I was wrong. I just found that really interesting. Maybe it’s in the “how-to-reel-in-a-girl’s-heart” in some sort of Guys 101 catalog lol (not funny). Wow. All I can say is wow. Don’t really know what to do with that. It’s making me lean towards that “that’s what they all say” & “all men are the same” attitude, but that’s not true. I hoped it wasn’t true there. I hope it isn’t true now…

On another note. I found myself stepping back a lot this past week. I am not sure who to bang with like that anymore. People are seeming shady when it comes to their words with their deeds, or even their “behaviors” in certain surroundings. Aside from it making me feel uncomfortable, I have had my walls up with many. Not because I want to, but I just really didn’t feel like crying nor being betrayed this week at least. I was encouraged by a friend of realizing longsuffering. And this… is only the beginning of that. But I will longsuffer, all for God’s glory.

{January 6, 2009}   Family Ties

I had a dream about my mom last night. I don’t remember it all, but I know it was crazy. I wasn’t happy. I’m not happy. I miss her, but I gotta stay away. I just pray nothing happens before she makes a better decision. When it comes to parental support, I have nothing and that crazy because it’s not like they’re sick or far away. They simply aren’t able. That is a difficult reality to accept. I have learned not to treat my parents the way I think they ought to be, but to love them where they are. It’s tough at times.

{January 1, 2009}   1-1-09

I’m not pressed about the date. Everyday change is being fought for in my life, therefore I refuse to make any foolish resolutions. I do have some goals for this year though… a few things hopefully that will come to fruition. Some trips I want to make, some places spiritually that I want to be, workin on the book, hopefully also on this Bible study and quite possibly grad school this year, if it’s in God’s will (I pray it is, pleeeeeease), and whatever else awaits me. I hope no more losses… I’m still sick with last year and it’s still like yesterday to me. I need healing in that area, but I miss my cousin so much, I still can’t believe it.

But as for New Years Eve… it was real……. hood. They got drunk & rowdy, threw up and so on. I went to sleep & overslept in getting to my aunt’s. I will say I did have some fun with my fam today, but had to be very careful as far as how far that fun went and suprisingly, I felt like I controlled it almost… if they saw a look on my face that said “goin too far”, they apologized and backed off. Dad, I know that’s You ::smile::

As for my friendship… I am learning to push beyond the way I feel and be a friend, even if it feels weird, it doesn’t have to be weird. I need to push passed the awkward silence and try harder. I saw this yesterday in our phone convo, where I would usually take that as a hint to say “well, okay bye, just wanted to say hey” but this time… no… there was that pause, but the convo continued… glory to God in the little things. I still don’t know what will be to come but I guess we will all see.

My cuz is comin thru tonight… two words… divine appointments…

“I know my destination… but I’m just not there”… but I’ll get there ::smile::

{December 30, 2008}   Stretched!!

Dad… help my mind and my heart. Help me to love those that have the ability to irk every pet peeve nerve I possess. Help me to love the judgmental, the over zealous, the over critical, the exceedingly naive, the always negative, the obsessed with image rather than the heart, and/or the grudge holders that treat you like what you did ten years ago was ten seconds ago. I pray that those that I have been any of those things to are interceeding for me. I know my heart can be ugly and dark and it humbles me and sends me running back to You. Thank You for testing my godly patience with these people, but they really get on my nerves every single opportunity they get whether they realize it or not. I can’t change them, but You can change me.

God help!

{December 25, 2008}   Christmas = Interesting

Well… it was good overall… Nothing too exciting, just chill. I didn’t feel as bad as I thought I would without my cousin, but I still wish he was here, I would put anything on that, even me… I know I can’t change that but that’s how I feel. So me & my sister get to SP and somebody was shot in my old neighborhood but not sure who… yet… I’m sure myspace or one of my sisters will alert me later, smh. Then a bar fight broke out near my mom’s, all before the sun went down.

My mom invited me to dinner for today and I told her I wasn’t comin b/c I was trynna be around him and she knew what my answer would be. My dad gave me some stuff to give her and I was gonna drop it off, but she said he wasn’t there so we went in for a second and the expected crucifixion was def there. My family always challengesĀ or insults my integrity and I won’t lie, it hurts, but they aren’t the standard and they can’t move me the way they used to. Glory to God!

But we had fun later, made some videos. So it was cool overall.

{December 18, 2008}   Christmas This Year?

I’ve been trying to avoid this with everything in me. I don’t want to cry, but everytime I “go there” I do. Christmas will never be the same again, not only because I more than likely won’t see my mom, which sucks, butĀ he is gone… forever. I want to go see my aunt, but being in that house is gonna kill me and I don’t want to make her sadder than she probably already is. I have to go though, I don’t want to avoid her. But everytime I think about him, it’s 2am in february and my sister is crying frantically telling me that my little cousin is gone. I just… never had a lost like this. I don’t know if I’m ready for this.

It’s bad enough I have become almost numb to holidays and birthdays because I have been let down so much that I try not to get my hopes up. That has to change though, I don’t want to be a grinch or anything, I need healing from my family’s influence on me. I’ll really try to have “fun” this Christmas, despite him being gone. If only I could bring him back, if only it were me instead of him. But Lord, it’s Your will and I love You anyway. It just hurts so bad…

{December 9, 2008}   Still Standing…

And I stand corrected… if I wasn’t built for this… God wouldn’t allow it and I speak that over every area of my life. Things are really hard right now and though I cry from time to time, the tears don’t last long and these circumstances… are just that… circumstances and will NOT, I repeat NOT steal my worship!! I need a job like crazy and I will get one… when? I dunno. How? I dunno. But I will. I’m trusting Him to do His thing and I’m not gonna worry this thing out. I’ll make moves when I need to. It was funny, I was thinkin earlier like, it’s days like this that make u wanna blog surf in the hopes of finding somebody with a worse situation than yours so you can channel that energy and not feel so bad. lol. whatever.

I faced temptation in all areas today. My family. I love them, but most times they are like poison for my spiritual growth. Tried to get my car inspected and they tried to get me into some crooked stuff but I refused even thoguh I can’t afford much. My dad offered (as always) to pay for something I couldn’t afford to and I calmly refused. It was kinda rough, cause I don’t think I have ever been this broke. It’s CRAZY! Then my brother gonna call himself trynna drop scripture talkin about “well aren’t you supposed to honor your mother and father?” and I kindly reminded him of this lil ol thing called context. It frustrates me when they all gang up on me like this. he even kinda snapped on me because I picked up a piece of paper I dropped and was like (with attitude) “you don’t litter either?” Daddy please save my family. And help me to be patient, tender, meek, gentle and bold with them all at the same time… These negroes be urkin me tho lol… and I’m out

{November 14, 2008}   ::Sigh::

I miss my mother…

{November 13, 2008}   What a Day. What a Night.

So, I did an all nighter last night but because I was so caught up in watching The Office throughout the day, let’s say I was a little more “distracted” than I would have liked to have been. At least I got that paper done. I am so tired that I can’t go to sleep. I am determined to clean my apartment before the night is out. I have mucho to do tomorrow and I need to be well rested. This is going to be a long weekend.

I need a word though. I need to rest in Him tonight. Yup. That’s what I’ll do… watch some more of The Office, which I have apparently becoome somewhat “addicted” to, lol… clean up, wash dishes, and chill with my Poppa.

I will say I was thinking about my mom today. Some days I’ll do fine witht his distance between us, other days I wish I had her shoulder to lay on when life gets too rough and just not say a word, but I can’t do that right now… I had to take a stand. I pray one day I will be able to do it again. I miss her.

et cetera