That is just what they are… feelings. They are fickle… they come and they go. They change and they fade. But they are definielty there… ugh… One day this will all make sense!
“I stood by your side/Went through all the hurt and pain/and you turned and walked away… you used to love to hold my hand, cause you used to be my man”
So school was cancelled today due to snow (yay!), though I love my classes, I was sleepy and due to my client, now a little sick. SO, I will use today to do all of my homework (hopefully). So far so… okay lol. I started thinking which is usually my problem, lol. And I just wish things were different with us. Not different in the sense that we should be official again, but different in the sense of being in each others live from a dual effort. It really sucks right now, but what can I do… ah well, can’t win them all over with this face (lol, no seriosly, just kidding). I guess that’s where I am on that, I just wish things were good different instead of pretty much nothing at all… God help me. I need to stay emotionally sober.
“outside, I’m smiling”
“Didn’t you know I was waiting on you/Waiting on a dream that’ll never come true/Didn’t you know I was waiting on you”
I am… overjoyed… the past week or so I have been in this… “slump” of for some reason not wanting to or simply just not reading my Bible for myself. I mean I have read it for assignments and other things I have needed it for, but when it came time for me, I would either skim, make excuses or just go to sleep, etc. Last night was the last night and I sought His help. Got in my word and asked to restore the joy of my salvation amongst other things in Psalm 51. I feel so rejuvenated (if I spelled it right). My eyes are on the right things. I am so excited about my life, especially in knowing it doesn’t depend on anything or anyone else, but what Gods has planned for me, regardless. Everything else and everyone else additional will/would be great, but it has nothing to do with my destiny. I do want to get married some day and have a family, I sincerely do in the right timing. I have 50 million little businesses and ideas floating around in my head that I would really like to impliment someday, I sincerely do in the right timing. I have a lot of vision for all of those things. I really hope who I think would be that one is there with me through this, but if not, I’m sure what God has is perfect regardless. Anywho, I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free! Glory to God!
My lil sister put me on to this song yesterday. One word: interesting (forgot how to spell that in spanish lol). And that about it. My web design book came today as well… One word: HYPE!
oy…
“Only God Knows” -Kanye West
Focus. Focus!
So it has been a few days so I will work backwards before I forget what I was going to type about lol. So I was going through some school supplies I had left over my niece’s house a few years ago and came across an aol instant messenger conversation between me and my ex before my last one. A convo from Fall ’05. I was about to toss it, but decided to read through it. Aside from all the gushy foolishness at all times of the morning, there was a line that made my heart almost skip a beat because it looked rather familiar. He said to some effect, “it seems like you were made for me.” Words that rang as very familiar and it actually kinda hurt. I didn’t even remember him saying that crap and that isn’t what bothered me. It was that my last ex said almost exactly the same thing to me before out of the blue and I saved that message too because when I asked him about it he didn’t explain why he had thought that, so I figured I would ask again when the time is right. I don’t know if that time will ever come. But it hurt because, it made me wonder if that was one of those in the heat of liking somebody things that people say out of being intoxicated with infatuation, as my pastor would put it. I guess it hurts because for some reason with that one, I meant all those “mushy-like” statements I made, even when I couldn’t stand him, which is pretty much where I am now lol. But I always assumed he meant it too… based on the fact that I did. But I guess I was wrong. I just found that really interesting. Maybe it’s in the “how-to-reel-in-a-girl’s-heart” in some sort of Guys 101 catalog lol (not funny). Wow. All I can say is wow. Don’t really know what to do with that. It’s making me lean towards that “that’s what they all say” & “all men are the same” attitude, but that’s not true. I hoped it wasn’t true there. I hope it isn’t true now…
On another note. I found myself stepping back a lot this past week. I am not sure who to bang with like that anymore. People are seeming shady when it comes to their words with their deeds, or even their “behaviors” in certain surroundings. Aside from it making me feel uncomfortable, I have had my walls up with many. Not because I want to, but I just really didn’t feel like crying nor being betrayed this week at least. I was encouraged by a friend of realizing longsuffering. And this… is only the beginning of that. But I will longsuffer, all for God’s glory.
Talk about a reality check. My sanity and everything connected is worth more than this foolish thinking I have been feeding into. I’m better than that. I need to live that way. Forward has to be my focus, because stagnant ain’t happening. I have so much to offer, that I can’t just give it away.
“I’m good, I got this thing on lock”
“but I ain’t gonna stress about it anymore/and I’m not gonna cry another night alone… I hate to admit it, my heart was all in it”
Though the video quality is garbage… the song makes my point as far as my thoughts tonight…
“cuz even if I said I was leavin babe, I couldn’t picture no more you and me… so listen to the realest thing that I can say… sometimes it’s a struggle babe… and for what it’s worth I will struggle babe… cuz I want to be in your life, so I’mma keep trying”
Though I hate that Ashanti uses “baby” in every form or fashion in just about 98% of her songs, this one is a winner in my book lol.
On another more exciting note!! I feel like I am really making some major moves on some of my goals already. Set up a photoshoot. Lookin up my flights for my trips. Getting more ideas for my website, my book, and found out some info about copyrighting, AND also the dvd and my painting is coming soon. My life is full whether I believe it or not and I am indeed excited about that! Glory to God!!
As frustrating that is to comprehend at times… I believe it. Especially with what is behind me. I realized recently, but more so today something about me and my future, aside from my dreams. From a point of humility, I realized that God is forming me in to a genuine extraordinary woman in every sense of the word. I have always known that I am not like a lot of people (and so have they), but that was usually from a negative perspective. However, this time, it’s different. I’m really not like a lot of people in the sense that I won’t settle for an ordinary life, I want so much more. I want to truly live, to really be alive! I’m gratefu for this revelation, yet almost terrified at the same time… it’s hard to fathom the reality. I am excited though.
On another note… even though it may seem unfeasible (if that is a word), I have this feeling or whatever it is that won’t leave that makes me believe that I will not only get my best friend back, but it’ll be more than that and better than before and it will be right this time. I will prepare myself and strive to keep it together and move forward in the meantime and try not to worry about it, for God is sovereign.
I’m fighting my thoughts… my emotions… doubt. I can’t allow it to have any control over me. It’s rough though… this friends thing. But I am really making great efforts, even if it feels weird. Even if it feels more weird when I talk to the other person involved. I’m trying to stay… “neutral” I guess. I don’t know what else to do. A part of me is feeling like “wake me up when this is over” but I gotta fight despite that. I know what I want… just not sure if it will happen. I’m seeing things that I could take as confirmations, but I just don’t know until I know I guess…. or maybe it’s I just won’t believe it until I see it kinda thing. I am trying to be patient and keep my focus where it needs to be and not let the fact that I think about him, us, or the possible us, or even the impossible us. I am and have learned a lot these past 8 months though…
Words that speak life… real life… my life
Leah's Daughter's Words 