Leah’s Daughter’s Words











{February 28, 2009}   Just… Hurt

No clever titles tonight. I know I didn’t ask for this, but I accepted the offer that would, to my suprise, be the first step to my eventual heartbreak. I didn’t think it would go down like this, especially since you could say I was promised the “moon, stars, etc” which I usually don’t go for… ever. Through all the tears that I am not sure if they were real to the former cheer leaders that now don’t remember their encouragements. It’s hard because I feel alone in this. That everybody understands what happened but they just don’t get it… It’s just me and of course, You Lord that has been here even when I ignored Your counsel. You’ve picked up the pieces and are remolding the woman, but it still hurts. I wish it didn’t. It’s just something about when he goes up to minister that it just seems like a lie. I know that when it comes to that I’m suppose to recieve the Word, not so much the person, but I see him too much. I just can’t bare it. I realized that I fortunately don’t hate him, but I surely don’t like him, strongly rather. Dad, please heal these wounds, these scars, please let me have back that piece of my heart that I gave him. I want it all back and then some. Help me to continually pray for those who crush me.

This song is like the epitome of where I’m at right now, just about every word.

 

It Was You by Emily King

Right Now To The Way We Were
So In Love But Life
Soon Brings Change
Through Ones Eyes
He Cried Tears For Me
But By His Side
I Can No Longer Be

We Used To Talk All Night
Of Different Things, But U,
U Didnt Hear Me Cry
Our Love Is Ending
Somewhere Between The Lies
This Sadness I Could No Longer Hide

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever

That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was You

And So My Love Goodbye
I’ll Miss You So You’ve Though Gone
But Leaves Do Change
As Time Goes On
And Though We Parted In The Ends
For All The Time Spent In Love
I Thank You

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever
That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was…

You Who Never Spoke Your Feelings
So Many Times I Tried To Tell You
That You Were Losing Me
But You Never Tried To Make Things Better
But You Didnt Choose To Seeeee My Pain
Now I’ve Got One Thing Left To Say
It Was You

Cuz It Was You Before The Sunlight
Back In My Life It Was You
Who Promised Me Forever
That Things Would Be Right
It Was You Who Made Me Cry,
Now To You I Say Goodbye
Through The Lies And The Truth
It Was You

This is almost unreal… God help



{February 26, 2009}   Sunshine: An Analogy

It rained today.

I thought that it would be worst than it was, but it wasn’t.

I thought that it would rain all day but it didn’t.

I thought I would get soaked, but my umbrella was in my trunk.

When I came outside the sun was shining.

It felt great, almost as if it had never rained.

I was encouraged by the weather today.

I thought of it, then I looked at my life.

I thought it was gonna rain long and hard but it didn’t.

The sunshine came and I was grateful.

So now, “I’m just trying to keep the Son in my eyes.” -Trip Lee



{February 25, 2009}   No More Idols

It’s been an interesting week and I’m fightin like never before… at least I hope I am. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like it. It’s more of this consistensy thing that’s been rough on me. I have the desire to get it in with the Lord and read my Word, but there have been days where I have wondered where time has gone aside from “little convos” with Him.

I’m seeing certain things in my life that look like they’ve been weightier than what my focus should be… so here I am at this point that many people face and have faced, but it sounds weird to say it these days, but Lord I cast down my idols… give me clean hands and a pure heart… let me not lift my soul to another.



{February 22, 2009}   Why oh Why…

Why is it that everytime I swear off even lookin at men that one comes along that gets me thinkin like “hmmm there could be somethin there?” I don’t need this right now. I have enough issues and unfortunate unclosed cases. I am not even going to get excited because this isn’t the season. My heart needs to heal from the last one and I need to get me in order in every area. I won’t lie… the thought is nice… but just not right now…

 



{February 20, 2009}   The Question

God… I don’t ask for much… do I?



{February 19, 2009}   Misty Blue

“I should forget you/heaven knows I’ve tried!”

This is getting ridiculous. Lord, why is this happening to me? I’ve tried making the best of it for months now without whining, but this is getting plain ridiculous. I know Your ways are higher than my ways and Your thoughts are higher than mind and that You know what is best for me and what I can handle, but Dad, I don’t think I can take anymore. Why me? Why now? Why even him of all people? I have found every reason plus 25 more of why I shouldn’t be concerned about him, but this is not fun at all. I really don’t wanna care. I don’t wanna anything, but nothing is changing and it’s actually beginning to piss me off, lol (not funny). This is cruel and unusual punishment that yeah, I am sure for many reasons I deserve, but Lord please have mercy! I want the right thing!



{February 19, 2009}   I Just Want To “Be”

I need a day or two or maybe even three off… I need to get some things in order. I feel drained. Oh God, please help…



{February 17, 2009}   Glimpse of You

I am in an ironic sense overjoyed… not because of what happened today, but because of what and Who I saw in me today. I saw a glimpse of Jesus in the heat of a moment that could have changed the rest of my life. Usually it’s used as an expression, “you have pretty much thrown dirt in my face.” And there are usually many negative connotations to follow that. As for me, today, it literally happened, among other things. My client threw dirt in my face, a lot of it. I didn’t get angry, I didn’t react. I was definitely hurt, but then I saw the glory God could get from whatever my response was from this situation. It is awesome to see how far He’s brought me, because I know for sure that the old me would’ve been not only fired, but likely arrested. This wasn’t on no “non-violence” tip either, but to show off the glory of God by not reacting to how I feel and to forgive somebody that meant nothing but harm. I am grateful for His love and presence in my life.



{February 16, 2009}   Being A Grown Up

It officially sucks and is also great at the same time. I am proud that I’m makin some adult decisions, but don’t like the money it’s costinig me up front in many areas, (i.e. I got a BJs membership tonight) yet I know in the long run that was worth it along with my purchases. I have a lot on my plate and not much time to lolly gag with foolishness, which is good for me, but it’s still a lot. I am excited about these moves I am and will be making. I guess I am just a little drained and sometimes overwhelmed by it all. But overall, it’s not so bad. I am grateful and “happy” for the most part. My joy in the Lord is rather consistent so yay!



{February 15, 2009}   10 Things I Hate About You

I’m feeling romantic-comedy-ish right now… thinking about some things in the midst of getting others out of my system. Things are really going well until I think about this… but I know and believe this will pass… so here goes…

10 Things I Hate About You

10. I hate that you are more stubborn than I am

9. I hate that you keep secrets

8. I hate that you make decisions when you know you aren’t sure

7. I hate that you are afraid to be alone, it concerns me

6. I hate that we’re not friends anymore and it doesn’t seem to phase you

5. I hate that you didn’t keep your words to me, wonder if you ever meant it

4. I hate that we have all these mutual friends so now it’s harder to escape you

3. I hate that you used to make me smile/laugh when I was mad at you

2. I hate that you thought replacing me would make things better, it didn’t

1. I hate the way you say goodbye and walked away from me/us… it’s so permanant

It was good to get that out. I am moving forward, but it still hurts. I don’t know if I have ever been to such a place in my life. It’s growing me up something crazy, but Lord, if this is the life of growing up… a big part of me is sayin “I don’t wanna grow up, I’m a Toys R Us kid” lol, but seriously. This is so jacked up it almost seems wrong. I feel like I am watching someone make the biggest mistake of their life and all I can do is let them… or maybe it’s me that made the mistake of agreeing to try this out in the first place way back when… Oh God, You know… time will tell and You will heal… it really hurts though… Thank You for lifting my head!



et cetera