Leah’s Daughter’s Words

{January 10, 2009}   Consistency

That’s a big word right now. Fighting for it. Understanding it. Applying it. Man, this is no joke. I don’t know how to explain it. It is unreal. I’ve been fightin’ my feelings and trying to stay sober minded in all areas of my life. I’ve been trying to keep my mind right and trying to do the right things as well. I’ve really been wanting freedom from a lot, to the point of exhaustion, to the point of attacks are happening and I see the strategy. Ugh. This is rough, but quitting isn’t an option. It never was. But man oh man how tempting it is to walk away from it all at times. Wow. Lord, keep Ya girl. I am literally fighting for my life. What makes it harder is that I am not sure who I trust anymore. Not sure who’s real or just appearing to be. It’s so tempting to keep to myself and avoid the fakeness, but I even have to fight for that and love people regardless. It hurts a lot. Yet You are holy (Psalm 22:3). This won’t steal my worship nor acknowleging You for who You are. I’m gonna stand when I want to lay down. I can’t do it alone though…

The truth: “Satan is vanquished and Jesus is king!”

The feelings:  “sometimes I think I’m crazy/Why am I here, am I just wasting my time?… sometimes it feels like the world’s on my shoulders/everyone’s leaning on me… I act like &%#* don’t phase me/Inside it drives me crazy” “the performance is convincing/We know every line by heart/Only when no one is watching/Could we really fall apart”

The fight: “breathe Your life into me/I can feel You…” “a broken mess/just scattered pieces of who I am… I see Your face/I come to You in pieces/So You can make me whole…I come undone/but You make sense of who I am” “I don’t wanna be afraid/Idon’t wanna run away/I don’t wanna be here fading… just let go… you can’t have me anymore!” “this is my desire… to be used by You”


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