Leah’s Daughter’s Words











{December 18, 2008}   What’s the Score? Who’s Winning?

How do you prepare for a fight you’ve never really tried to win? That’s where I am. As I think about the predicaments that I have put myself in, I almost wish that I used to be a betting woman because the end result was always what my first thought was and I went for it anyway when it came to my heart. I knew I could more than likely get hurt, with a great possibility of that being the case, especially with the types of people I dealt with, but I still went for it anyway with full knowledge of it. You would have thought I liked pain because I never really tried to protect myself, at least not for long.

So here I am now, pressing fighting with all I got for emotional purity because this thing is hitting me right in the face everyday. A battle I wasn’t prepared for. Energy that I didn’t intend to be put into this. The battlefield has been rather gruesome and sometimes it’s hard to tell who’s winning because of the exhaustion. Some days I’m left at… well Lord, what do I do now? Because for the majority of this, I’ve been running to You, because this warfare isn’t something I have any “military” experience with. I didn’t know it could hurt this bad. I didn’t know i would have to press this hard for my thoughts to be elsewhere. I had no idea what I had ultimatley signed myself up for when I didn’t read the rules in this thing.

SO… here I am again… fighting… praying… fighting & praying & studying & seeking counsel & trying to keep things as normal as I can, but then there’s those moments where I admit to myself how bad this really sucks and from time to time the flood gates open and here I am. Dad, I need Your strength, Your counsel, Your words, Your guidance, EVERYTHING! I don’t want to stay here. I want to be free. I just wanna be with You. Help me to walk in my worth and not settle for ANYthing less.

Draw me close to You

Never let me go…

Let me know You are near…

But

What do I do?

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