Leah’s Daughter’s Words

{December 18, 2008}   Christmas This Year?

I’ve been trying to avoid this with everything in me. I don’t want to cry, but everytime I “go there” I do. Christmas will never be the same again, not only because I more than likely won’t see my mom, which sucks, but he is gone… forever. I want to go see my aunt, but being in that house is gonna kill me and I don’t want to make her sadder than she probably already is. I have to go though, I don’t want to avoid her. But everytime I think about him, it’s 2am in february and my sister is crying frantically telling me that my little cousin is gone. I just… never had a lost like this. I don’t know if I’m ready for this.

It’s bad enough I have become almost numb to holidays and birthdays because I have been let down so much that I try not to get my hopes up. That has to change though, I don’t want to be a grinch or anything, I need healing from my family’s influence on me. I’ll really try to have “fun” this Christmas, despite him being gone. If only I could bring him back, if only it were me instead of him. But Lord, it’s Your will and I love You anyway. It just hurts so bad…


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