Leah’s Daughter’s Words

{December 31, 2008}   Coldest Winter?

the song I got this title from… not exactly what I’m thinking, but some points…

Ughhh… am I stuck in memories and/or fantasy land? What can I do about me to handle this better? What do I do to control my thoughts in any interaction? It’s like, even when it comes to typical everyday “shut ups” or “mind your business” or even “hey”, they sound simple and normal but what’s behing them in my head? “I love you” Weird! But it’s the truth. I feel like a school girl and it’s… stupid. Dad, I need help… I just wanna build a friendship that I really hope goes beyond that, but I don’t want my motives to be focused in that area, rather deal with what I do have… a friend… kinda. Dad, help me to start over everyday, even when it hurts. You helped me mucho tonight. It wasn’t nearly as weird as I would’ve thought it would be, even though she and I worked side by side the whole night & on top of that, he came down and saw us working together.

Ughhh… “don’t say you will… unless you will… I pray you will…”


{December 30, 2008}   Stretched!!

Dad… help my mind and my heart. Help me to love those that have the ability to irk every pet peeve nerve I possess. Help me to love the judgmental, the over zealous, the over critical, the exceedingly naive, the always negative, the obsessed with image rather than the heart, and/or the grudge holders that treat you like what you did ten years ago was ten seconds ago. I pray that those that I have been any of those things to are interceeding for me. I know my heart can be ugly and dark and it humbles me and sends me running back to You. Thank You for testing my godly patience with these people, but they really get on my nerves every single opportunity they get whether they realize it or not. I can’t change them, but You can change me.

God help!

{December 29, 2008}   You Love Me…

You do… You really do!! That was my re-revelation today lol. It started me on a little project. It’s so simple, but externally I can see how my life can look as though I forgot that. You love me… always have and always will… no matter what. The one thing I’ve spent my entire life hoping someone would and You started before I began my search. I need to understand that daily. But I am in awe anyhow… because I know like forreal!! Wow. I’m… speechless…

{December 28, 2008}   Much Accomplished!!

I did it! I finished the proposal waiting for feedback. I cleaned my room and bedroom (my apt no longer looks homeless), I got the trash together and tomorrow, it’s the dishes, the bathroom and MY HAIR!! It’s so dirty, but I would rather wait until after tomorrow for some reason before I deal with that. It took me a while to get started but once I start, I am on a ball. So there! I have accomplished much… think I’ll turn off Kanye & that Katy Perry song that I am beginning to like and watch something… maybe Friends or The Office or a movie. Blah!

this song is growin on me

’09 comin… need to get my plans in order for traveling

{December 28, 2008}   Exhausted…

That’s the epitome of what I am, but I don’t want to stay here. I need to manage my time better & not crucify myself when I don’t get it 100% right. I need to accept that I can make mistakes and that I will inevitably screw up in different areas of my life, but I don’t have to stay there. Dad, I need Your help, I feel numb tired. I need to move & get motivated regardless of how I feel.

{December 27, 2008}   Wassup Wit Dat?

I think I might have a strange addiction to reality tv shows… at least the ones that I do watch (not all reality tv). The stranger thing is, the cheesier or lamer the show, those are the ones I watch… all vh1: Real Chance of Love, I Love New York(s), Flavor of Love(s), mtv: Run’s House (occasionally), Rob & Big (occasionally) and a few others. But I notice that once they are old episodes, I don’t care to go back. It’s weird, they are mad dumb, but I am interested in watchin them when they are new… I dunno… I just don’t know dude lol

{December 27, 2008}   Overload

Okay, so I’m kinda realizing what I am doing to myself… these long shifts are def taking their toll… my house is a mess, but I haven’t been here the past few days to deal with it. So that ends today cuz it’s not cool. So I’ve been pursuing purity and asking God to help me think soberly, (which in addition, He also knows is code for make the feelings go away, tell me no about that one so I can just leave it alone) BUT that part just won’t happen! A for effort though, right? I mean I am not going to say anything anymore, but my question becomes, “Lord, what do I do with my heart?” I’ve never been here before. Even beyond my feelings is whatever this is that’s keeping me at this point won’t go away. I pray it isn’t in vain, even though it 99.999% looks that way. Our “friendship” is still rocky, but I’ll be patient, especially since there is nothing else I can do. I just wish I had the ability that guys have in cutting things off, but then again I don’t because I want to get through this not over it…

“i’m in love wit u… but the vibe is wrong”

“how could u be so cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo”

“after all the things that we been thru”

“ayo, I did some things but that’s the old me”

“you got a new friend, but I got homies, but in the end-still so lonely”

” they don’t know what we been through, they don’t know bout me & u”

{December 26, 2008}   808s & Heartbreak

I’m l-o-v-i-n this cd… kinda hype… but I don’t care, it’s soooo… I dunno… on another note… work sucked.

“you got a new friend, but I homies/but in the end, still so lonely”

“and THAT you know!!”

{December 25, 2008}   Christmas = Interesting

Well… it was good overall… Nothing too exciting, just chill. I didn’t feel as bad as I thought I would without my cousin, but I still wish he was here, I would put anything on that, even me… I know I can’t change that but that’s how I feel. So me & my sister get to SP and somebody was shot in my old neighborhood but not sure who… yet… I’m sure myspace or one of my sisters will alert me later, smh. Then a bar fight broke out near my mom’s, all before the sun went down.

My mom invited me to dinner for today and I told her I wasn’t comin b/c I was trynna be around him and she knew what my answer would be. My dad gave me some stuff to give her and I was gonna drop it off, but she said he wasn’t there so we went in for a second and the expected crucifixion was def there. My family always challenges¬†or insults my integrity and I won’t lie, it hurts, but they aren’t the standard and they can’t move me the way they used to. Glory to God!

But we had fun later, made some videos. So it was cool overall.

{December 23, 2008}   You Move Me

YES!! And the counsel was very much needed. I just have to be diliberate. Lord, I’m trynna live for You out here. Let my life reflect so. Let You be the only one to move me. Because You do move me, but everybody else is seeming to as well and that’s not cool. Help ya girl to stand firm in ALL things and press forward. I’m literally fighting for my life. You are great & I’m bubbly over You ::smile::

et cetera