Leah’s Daughter’s Words

{November 30, 2008}   Jealous

More Than Friends by 3LW

I’m not gonna front. I am. I am flat out jealous and I hate it. I hate it so much, but it’s the truth. I am jealous of the time and attention that just about everyone gets, especially those that he wants to give that attention to. Lord, please help me not to lose my focus and push passed the way I feel and keep my eyes on You. I don’t want it to be this way. I don’t want to feel like this. I am tempted to ask him some things, but I’m afraid of two things” 1) he’ll say what I don’t want to hear, which is no. 2) it’ll complicate things. I guess, I wish I could read him better, but it is almost impossible to get in there anymore… especially since I have been out for so long.

Why does this have to be my life right now? I don’t even want a relationship right now. I just really dig him and don’t want him to go anywhere. Help my foolish, idealistic, teenage thinking. I want peace Daddy, I need it. This isn’t how love works, is it? I don’t want these feelings to be a part of me. It hurts more to see that it doesn’t seem like he feels anything… ever. Help my insecurties. Remind me every moment of who I am in You. You made me beautiful and worth both, waiting and fighting for… let me only desire the man that is willing to do that and learn how to wait. Father PLEASE!!


{November 26, 2008}   Dream a Dream

Wait for You by Kyla

So, I feel like I’m being punished, maybe even cursed. The one thing I try to put aside and avoid explodes daily. If I don’t want you in my thoughts, you’re in my dreams, and you’re not only in my dreams, but you love me back. It might seem like a good dream to anyone with a crush or an interest, but it is a nightmare when you wake up to an opposite reality. God, why? Why do I have to go through this? Why can’t I just not care and go on with my life? Especially if it’s not gonna happen. I guess I don’t really know that until I know. I guess I feel like this is unfair because he doesn’t have to feel like this because the “ball” is in his court. I just want to do the right thing with the right motives. Lord, help my heart, my mind, and help me understand what these dreams are about.

{November 25, 2008}   So I Am Utterly Frustrated

I feel like I am on rant mode. I feel like I’ll burst if I don’t get this out and I know I am probably making a big deal out of something small, it’s just I have so much going on that these little things DO NOT help at all. Firstly, I get part in charge of this gift idea for my pastor, that I have no problem with, even though I don’t really have the time, but what doesn’t help is that a small group takes three days to construct three sentences a piece. It’s such a minute task and you forget. I am trying to be patient with them, but I really hate when people blow things off that should be a priority. If we treated work the way we treat ministry, many of us would be unemployed. I hate when I see it in myself and others. UGH!!

{November 23, 2008}   My Idea

So I had this idea for a tv show for a little while and I assumed it was just one of my little random thoughts that I tend to have about 8,000 times a day, but the sucker won’t leave. Not only that… I came up with a theme song for it today… I am terrified of acting… O Lord… help me so

{November 23, 2008}   Help My Mind!!

I have been so distracted these passed few days and rather irritable and it has NOT been pretty. I try to fight off the irritated thoughts, but the distractions have surely won the battle this week…. unfortunately. It’s as if, I have used just about everything to keep me from doing schoolwork and I have spent a lot of time trying to tell myself not to think about ol boy which makes me think about him, especially when people bring him up, even though on the inside I get kinda excited that they did.

Lord, I feel like I’ve been kinda dissin u this week. I mean we’ve talked, but I feel distant and it could be because I’ve been trippin. I want to want what You want and want to do what You want me to do. I don’t want to be in these cycles of waiting until I mess up or fall hard before I listen to You.

I feel kinda numb to my little world in a sense that I kinda feel like everything so they cancel themselves out. I don’t know how to explain it. I have my future running through my mind like crazy and I want it to go away, I don’t want to think about it or him. Especially since it doesn’t look good. Especially since if it were to work out, now is not the time. Lord, help me!!

I ate my own words tonight in a conversation with my sister. I was telling her how people claim they want to let things go while simultaneously holding tight that very thing they want to let go. That’s exactly what I’m doing… Then I say, “well Lord I am only doing this because I don’t think it’s hopeless…” My excuse. But the reality of that is, even if that were the case, I still need to let it go for right now. The problem is, I don’t want to. I really like him. Aside from love him, I am just sincerely into this individual, but I know that when it comes to anything or anyone, I need not be interested. Lord help my mind, my heart, just EVERYTHING!!

{November 15, 2008}   I Hate Everything About Him/Y-O-U

I’m sure this will be a poem eventually, so how about I just vent it out.

I hate the way you smile. It’s too big and dramatic, don’t nobody wanna see that much teeth, lame-o. I hate the way you joke around, why do you feel the need to be the center of attention? I hate the way you question what’s on my mind. If I wanted a counselor I would seek one out. I hate the way you tell me NO. How dare you tell ME know… ME?? How rude!! I hate the way you push forward, because as far as I am concerned you usually still take two steps behind in my book. I hate the way you dress. The way you talk. Even the way you listen. I just hate it. I especially HATE the way you move on… why oh you…

I said all of this to say, it’s the opposite of how I feel. I love his goofy smile. I love his sillyness, he’s just like me. I love when he wanted to know what was on my mind. I love when he brought me back to reality in not letting me have everything I wanted. I love his style and his tone. I love that he listened (sometimes). But I still HATE that you moved on… why oh you…

{November 14, 2008}   ::Sigh::

I miss my mother…

{November 14, 2008}   So… What Is A Prostitute??


[pros-ti-toot, -tyoot]  
noun, verb, -tut⋅ed, -tut⋅ing.

1. a woman who engages in sexual intercourse for money; whore; harlot.
2. a man who engages in sexual acts for money.
3. a person who willingly uses his or her talent or ability in a base and unworthy way, usually for money.

–verb (used with object)

4. to sell or offer (oneself) as a prostitute.
5. to put to any base or unworthy use: to prostitute one’s talents.

Believe it or not, this question has been floating in my mind for a little while. What sparked it? A topic a prof brought up a while ago and the fact of the unfortunate route from my house to my church on a regular basis… there is A LOT of prostitution. My hearts breaks when I see them, but then I think about the ones that prostitute out of either ignorance or denial, that broke my heart even more.

Not to give props to the street prostitutes or anything, but at least they made a conscious decision of knowing what it is from the jump, versus those that give themselves away for someone to give them what they really ache for. For those who consider their bodies a small price for someone elses affection or the stroke of their egos. For those that consider their bodies a minute sacrifice for a flawless gift that all their friends would admire or for a warm body by their sides. It breaks my heart.

Most people would assume that I am only referring to women. Nope. Most would assume I am only referring to those having sexual relationships outside of marriage. Nope. It can happen in a marriage in a sense as well… an unhealthy one anyway… Example: Wife gets no love from her husband, is always away and she feels unloved. Instead of addressing that, the husband gets what he wants when he comes home and to “shut her up” brings her jewelry… Now let’s look back to our definition. It breaks my heart…

{November 13, 2008}   What a Day. What a Night.

So, I did an all nighter last night but because I was so caught up in watching The Office throughout the day, let’s say I was a little more “distracted” than I would have liked to have been. At least I got that paper done. I am so tired that I can’t go to sleep. I am determined to clean my apartment before the night is out. I have mucho to do tomorrow and I need to be well rested. This is going to be a long weekend.

I need a word though. I need to rest in Him tonight. Yup. That’s what I’ll do… watch some more of The Office, which I have apparently becoome somewhat “addicted” to, lol… clean up, wash dishes, and chill with my Poppa.

I will say I was thinking about my mom today. Some days I’ll do fine witht his distance between us, other days I wish I had her shoulder to lay on when life gets too rough and just not say a word, but I can’t do that right now… I had to take a stand. I pray one day I will be able to do it again. I miss her.

et cetera