What the Crap-o-la? (wtc)

feel like crap… oy… Lord…

What Love Is…

So I am reading this book for one of my classes and it is addressing some pretty heavy issues. Love, of course is amongst the “heaviness” lol. It stuck out, the two ways he broke it down, to nurturing and cherishes. Aside from the mushy stuff, but looking at nurturing from the aspect of bringing to maturity and cherishing from the perspective of protecting. It was real rap, but I began to question my love in some areas. I have been questioning my motives with a lot of things I do. I know that in many cases, it isn’t that I want to have wrong intentions, but some of the time it is to see if it’ll actually work, i.e.-manipulation. I can signify until my face turns blue (which would take a really long time lol). I have done it since childhood. But I notice that sometimes I will do things just to see if I get the respinse that I expected. But sometimes I am not sure if I even do that for “experimentation” purposes or for my own selfish fulfillment. Oh Lord, my wicked heart needs You. Help me make sense of me.

Wonderings..

Do I think he’s beautiful because he’s kinda forbidden and a likely challenge… or is he beautiful for the reasons he caught my eye in the first place? I think the latter, yet a little bit of both. Oh Lord, help me stay focused and stay away! Not in a paranoid way, but I know me and how I operate and I don’t want the real thing to be that way… so I just want to do this right regardless of how it goes… because if he’s him, I will be more than willing to wait =0)

???

I want to just cry so bad, but I just can’t seem to find the tears… I want to confess it all to God, but for some reason there is so much I want to say that I am speechless. I feel like crap… and I’m stressed. Not freakin’ out stressed, but stressed to the point that I don’t really want to deal with certain people like before. I don’t want what people have done to keep me away from God. I guess it’s more challenging when it’s the people of God :-\ … it just stings a little bit more…. okay maybe a lot.

Oh Lord, You know my wounds. You know my cries. Help me to run towards You and not away…

HELP!

What Do I Do?

So I’ve been in this rut… it’s weird. It is almost like I have gone out of my way to get closer to God and I still feel two steps behind… maybe it’s my mood or I’m overthinking I don’t know. I’m struggling with my heart when it comes to my church family. There are some that have been true, but it seems lately the others have outweighed the legit. Not to say this is about numbers but it just hurts, that’s all. I don’t know who to invest my time in these days. I have been fighting to love people regardless, it just really hurts.

On another note, I am excited and a little nervous about my decision to move next year. I am ready to experience life and the world outside of my city. I want to be places I’ve never been and do things beyond my own expectations. I can’t and can wait! Lord, guide me!

And on a siiiiiiide note… I have a great dilemma. I am not sure what it really is yet, but I believe I have a crush, a real one. I don’t wanna say and not gonna say because first of all I know I’m not ready for anything anytime soon, I’m still looking for me, so no need to be looking at him. Besides if this is legit, it will be complicated because this would be an illegal interest… Oh Lord, direct my ways…

I Just Don’t Know…

I hope to get to the bottom of what this is… I am just not sure… but it is so in the way! Lord…….

You Are My Everything

Lord, You really are. Thank you for showing me that in the little things. Help my heart to pray for people, even when “I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t WANNA!” lol (smh), it’s true though. I love where You have me at and am excited to see where You are taking me. I just loooove You!

S.O.S.!!

I’m not even sure what that stands for anymore, lol. But, I think it has to do with needing help… at least sometimes. Anyway! I don’t know what happened. I was doing great. Then I just got so heavy. I need to talk to God. I have to. Because on He knows what’s up and what I need to see. I just have been realizing how in love with Him I have been lately and kinda despising anything/one that might seem like they would be in the way of that. Not in a “I hate your guts way” but a “don’t think you’re getting in front” kinda way. That is good for me, because it shows growth. Anyways… I need to go handle my business. My refuge. I love You!

Refreshed to Go the Distance

I think that was a title from a women’s conference, but whatever… that is where I am. I just got encouraged right on time. I will not grow weary in well doing. This is a fight. The studio was great last night and I am excited about what’s to come soon. I gotta work on these poems tonight, work on some homework, clean a little and most importantly spend some quality time with the Lord… My life is really fun, it’s unbelieveable… I really am “closer to my dreams…” ::smile::

::Smile::

I don’t know what it is Lord, but for some reason, tonight… I feel… beautiful. Beautiful in a way that I cannot describe so I will just say thank You and amen :0)